Review of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997) by Zak M — 14 Sep 2006

Yes, I know. This was awful. This was truly, genuinely awful. And yet I'm rating it above [i]King Kong[/i]. Why?

You guessed it. Starring Paul Gross.

And yet, oh, gods, it was bad. So very bad. Worst thing he's ever done, though that's worlds above the worst thing Kevin Costner, say, has ever done. (My best friend wants to know how you could tell.).

Now, I'll admit, I've never read [i]20,000 Leagues Under the Sea[/i], and I missed the first half hour. (I was watching [i]The Daily Show[/i].) But I'm pretty sure Captain Nemo wasn't pursued by Admiral Farragut, and I'm [i]really[/i] sure that's not how Farragut died. Especially since he died at age 70. This tends to imply "not sunk.".

And I have no idea what Our Heroine's father's theory was--static evolution, I think they said, whatever [i]that[/i] is (maybe it was in the first half hour)--but somehow, it gave rise to a giant sea creature that couldn't be fought off using the electrified hull of the [i]Nautilus[/i] but instead had to be killed by Paul Gross shoving an explosive harpoon through its palate, naturally. Now, a Paul Gross fan I may be, but it's just not as dramatic as Kirk Douglas fighting a giant squid. Besides, in the diving suit, you can't really see him.

This movie was a mess, and not even a shiny mess. Captain Nemo's "museum" was basically what it would look like if Austin Powers had a submarine, only in more muted colours, and the special effects were really special. Short bus effects, as it were. Paul Gross also appeared to be wearing some seriously dark tan-in-a-can, especially given how long he's supposed to've been shut up in the [i]Nautilus[/i] without sight of the sun.

Still, Paul Gross. I watched it once; not even my obsessive fangirl nature can make me watch it again.