Review of Zombie Strippers! (2008) by Stuart P — 02 Dec 2008

A little more zombie and a lot less stripper.

Now you guys know me. I'm all the time hangin' with strippers, and I'm all the time bustin' up some zombies. I'm a stripper-pimpin', zombie-huntin' assistant level archivist with a creative writing masters. Life is good. It would seem like this movie was made for me.

Well, it won't.

First off, when I want zombies, I want zombies. Not one or two fallin' through basement windows or gettin' locked up in a cage by Freddy Krueger and Natasha from Bullwinkle fame (although that was kinda cool). I want hordes of zombies. Legions of zombies. I want enough damn zombies so that I have to poop with the door locked and machete in hand for the next two weeks.

Suffice to say, the amount of zombies it takes to partially fill a seedy strip joint is not of that caliber.

I now poop with the door open.

Secondly, if I'm promised strippers, I want to see some strippers. Wispy women wipin' their butts on poles are not strippers, just the same as a girl who takes her top off is not technically a stripper.

Otherwise, Spring Break would be known as Stripper Break.

What we got outta this flick was a porn star and a gaggle of other curvy lasses that had about as many good moves as a Republican presidency.

You like that? That was funny.

Laugh, dammit.

Yeah, so, anyway, I've seen better wiggles in my Jell-O. Kneeling, crawling, and walking are all basic stripper moves, but it ain't the whole course, dig?

Jenna Jameson may have quite the saucy rep, but she didn't get it from booty shakin'.

Sub-par zombie count and not-quite strippers made this movie a drag. The zombies were always kept locked away, the stripper scenes were many, and the zombie strippers were just gross. Not "gross" as in "awesome" but "gross" as in "lookin' like a naked, flaky grandma.".

Here is what worked: creepy ass Robert Englund and Natasha.

I've enjoyed Robert Englund in everything I've seen him in. Even V.

V was awesome. No flaky grandma strippers there.

And I've always been a Natasha fan. She's hot. She's hot in the cartoon and she's hot in this movie. It's the accent. The only thing missing was the large round bomb.

That would have been Sex-ay.

Robert Englund and Natasha could have just been the movie. One bein' creepy, the other bein' foreign. Maybe they'd shoot a zombie. Maybe they'd catch some stripper action. Maybe they'd shoot a zombie while catchin' some stripper action.

Hell, just thinkin' about it makes a better movie.