Review of Zandalee (1991) by Allen G — 19 Feb 2013

Right so, there's three films in Cage's career (so far anyways) that are both comedy genius on his part and failings of the movie on every other part. Deadfall is the first of these movies- Cage is glorious and everything else is bad. Vampire's Kiss is the second- Cage is glorious and everything else isn't there yet. Zandalee is the final of these (not in chronological order by the way)- Cage is glorious but everything else is sickeningly bad.

I've reviewed this as a comedy and I think I can get away with that because it's so laughably bad that it must be intentional. It almost certainly isn't intentional thus making this a miserable failure as a film but I'm being very kind here and giving it the benefit of some extreme doubt by saying it's a comedic satire of the erotic thriller genre. It's Carry On Adultery with Nicolas Cage.

It's all unbearably funny- everything Cage does and says and thinks of doing or saying in this is beyond belief- one example- "People die and people die , everybody dies... leave him. ". That's the most intricate piece of dialogue in this and it's terrible.

This is a film where an insane Nicolas Cage is gifted with a superpower of being able to sexually control an attractive young women without ever doing anything other than be unintentionally hilarious. Cage was clearly making himself funny here though and rightly so- what else can you do with something this bad!?

In one scene Zandalee is jogging and Cage suddenly appears from the corner and drags her into the side of some buildings before then awkwardly touching her groin area. This is somehow enough for her to, instead of pull out some pepper sky and scream for help, decide he is God's gift to women.

"Let's f*** in the altar of the primal" Cage says at one point in reference to a church where he drags her unwillingly into a confession booth and has sex at her- not with her, just at her, until, somehow, yet again, she finds it irresistible.

"take my coonass p***k inside of you with your husband in the next room".

Everyline is this ridiculous, it's beyond belief and the funniest thing you will ever see. I'd give it 100% and call it one of the greatest comedies of all time if it wasn't for the sad reality that this movie is trying to be taken seriously. I refuse to call it bad though because the comedy deserves better and so this one is accidentally fresh but still fresh I assure you- if you want to see an erotic thriller so unerotic and un-thrilling that you'll laugh until you cry (and you should!) then this is for you.