Review of xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017) by Realmuthaf — 01 Nov 2017

Wow, this is some woeful garbage that I have just managed to finish watching on my second try.

I watched the first two xXx movies back when I was still in school, and I liked those a lot, especially the second one due to all the hip-hop influences, but this just should not exist.

Everything here is complete trash: nonsensical plot, awfully cringy jokes, embarrassing one liners, pathetically cheap CGI, bland action sequences, retarded dialogues, actors who do not act. Diesel trying to look fast and agile while being an overweight badly aging walking ballsack is just laughable. And to boost his ego he had to include a group orgy scene with himself, disgusting. I wonder how much were the actresses paid to make out with him. Another particularly annoying actress in my opinion was the Indian woman, who could not act for sh*t (more so than the others) and had a very repulsive accent. The whole flick looks like some sort of a dreadful mix between an early 2000's direct-to-DVD B movie and some Bollywood circus. Kind of like Fast & Furious but even more stupid (which I didn't think was humanly possible) and with a smaller budget.

The only two reasons why this is not a 1/10 are Ice Cube's cameo with his own "Thank God" playing in the background, and the presence of Nina Dobrev, who is almost too adorable. If you hold any good memory of the first two movies, do yourself a favor and do not watch this piece of sh*t.