Review of Without a Paddle: Nature's Calling (2009) by Corey W — 08 Mar 2009

When they made a sequel to â??Speedâ??, they couldn't get Keanu Reeves. When they made a sequel to â??The Maskâ??, they couldn't get Jim Carrey. And when they made a sequel to â??Without a Paddleâ??, they couldn't even get Matthew Lillard.

The original â??Without a Paddleâ??, starring Lillard, Seth Green, and Dax Shepard as estranged childhood friends searching for D.B. Cooper's stolen treasure, It was not one of 2004's Oscar contenders. It was, however, an amusing, good-hearted buddy comedy that did pretty well at the box office.

It wasn't crying out for a sequel though and Nature's Calling. Featuring no characters from the original film, but reusing many of the same scenes, Is yet another argument against the dismal direct-to-DVD-sequel phenomenon. How shoddy is this production? There's a scene in which the characters supposedly get hopelessly lost while paddling down an Oregon river, deep in woods, from which no one has supposedly ever returned. All the while, a very large highway bridge across said river is clearly visible in the background.

Instead of Lillard, Green and Sheppard, Without a Paddle: Nature's Calling features Oliver James, Kristopher Turner and Rik Young, I dare you to tell me who any of these people are, without peeking at IMDb. Exploring the wilderness, looking for a lying old woman's long-lost granddaughter. Turner's character worked for the old lady at a nursing home, and by an incredible coincidence, James is an uptight, disillusioned lawyer that has had a crush on the same girl since high school.

Young plays the old lady's spectacularly annoying British grandson, with what I thought was the most insulting, unconvincing British accent in history, until I found out that the New York City bornYoung was apparently raised in the UK. (The British-born James, to his credit, pulls off a good American accent; maybe they should have switched roles.) It turns out that the granddaughter (Madison Riley) has become a radical environmentalist, changed her name to "Earth Mother," hooked up with another gorgeous tree-hugger (not that way, Beavis, though we do see them taking a bath together, just barely.) and moved into a tree house apparently built by the Professor from Gilligan's Island. Riley gets the only funny line in the film, when she refers to logging as "treeicide.".

At the same time, they are all being followed by a couple of hired killers (though I never really figured out why), they get attacked by computer-generated psychotic squirrels, and James is briefly kidnapped by "Hal Gore," the crazed "brother" of the famed internet pioneer. The less-famous Gore has been living in his isolated cabin, studying the effects of squirrel flatulence on global warming. Yeah, it's that kind of movie.

The part of Hal Gore turns out to be a showcase for the comedy stylings of... Jerry Rice. Yes, the football player. Mr. Rice might be the greatest wide receiver of all time, but as an actor, he's no Bubba Smith or Alex Karras. In this film, Rice sounds like he's trying to read his lines off cue cards, but can't quite make them out.

Rice may have paved the way for NFL players to appear on Dancing with the Stars, but I hope he hasn't kicked off a trend of football players appearing in unnecessary direct-to-video sequels. I really, really don't want to see Warren Sapp stumbling over his lines in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: The Early Years.