Review of Withnail & I (1987) by Ed B — 10 Dec 2013

The story doesn't necessarily make this film, the dialogue does. Few movies have as many epic one liners from start to finish. Witty, benign, and incredibly profound, the sharply written banter never lets up from start to finish. Based purely on plot, the lack of rising action and character arc, I'd give a film like this 2 stars max. It's the genius use of words that makes this thing a cult classic:

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I: Give me a Valium, I'm getting the FEAR!

Danny: [very calmly] You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mils of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? That's politics, innit?

I: I'm gonna eat some sugar.

[he goes to the kitchen].

Danny: I recommend you smoke some more grass.

I: No way, no fucking way.

Danny: That is an unfortunate political decision. Reflecting these times.

Withnail: What are you talking about, Danny?

Danny: Politics, man. If you're hanging onto a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision - let go before it's too late or hang on and keep getting higher, posing the question: how long can you keep a grip on the rope? They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworths, man. The greatest decade in the history of mankind is over. And as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black.

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I: Withnail, you bastard, wake up. Wake up you bastard, or I burn this bastard bed down!

Withnail: I deny all accusations.

[opens his eyes].

Withnail: What you do want?

I: I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you.

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Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.

Withnail: Shits itself?

Danny: He's an expert. He's building the prototype now.

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Danny: Has he just been busted?

I: No.

Danny: Then why's he wearing that old suit?

Withnail: Old suit? This suit was cut by Hawkes of Savile Row. Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!

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Withnail: [in a telephone box, speaking to his agent] Listen, I pay you 10 percent to do that. Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? How DARE you!

[he slams the phone down].

Withnail: Fuck you!

[he steps out of the telephone box].

Withnail: [to I] Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not gonna understudy anybody. Especially that little pimp! Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows, whining about ducks going to Moscow.

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Danny: Where exactly have you two been?

I: Holiday in the countryside.

Danny: That's a very good idea. London is a country coming down from its trip. We are 91 days from the end of this decade and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.

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Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.

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Withnail: You're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.

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Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

Withnail: What absolute twaddle.

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Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.

I: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.

Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?

I: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!

Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.

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Jake: I might come and see you lads in the week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.

Withnail: We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant.

Jake: Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants, ain't got no birds. No more than you have.

Withnail: Course you have, you're the poacher.

Jake: [pointing an eel at him] If I hear more words out of you, I'll put one of these here black pods on you.

Withnail: Don't threaten me with a dead fish!

Jake: Half dead he may be, but I'll come up after you, and I'll wake you up with a live.

One.

Withnail: Sod your pheasants! You'll have to find us first.

Jake: I know where you are, you're at Crow Crag. I've been watching you, especially you, prancing like a tit. You want working on, boy.

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Withnail: [approaching the pub] All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.

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I: [voiceover] Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, and then all at once those frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores.

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[Withnail picks up a bottle of lighter fluid].

I: I wouldn't drink that if I was you.

Withnail: Why not?

I: Because I don't advise it. Even the wankers on the site wouldn't drink that, that's worse than meths.

Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

[he pours the lighter fluid down his throat. He gags and gasps].

Withnail: Have we got any more?

[I shakes his head].

Withnail: Liar. What's in your toolbox?

I: No, we have nothing. Sit down.

Withnail: Liar. You've got antifreeze.

I: You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks!

[Withnail laughs hysterically and falls to floor, and then vomits on I's feet].