Review of Winter's Tale (2014) by Dale C — 12 Feb 2014

It's difficult to imagine what set of impulsive emotions allowed this movie to be made. Was it Goldsman's hubris in thinking that he could create a film deemed unmakable by Scorcese? Or was it just a hodge-podge of ignorant minds convincing themselves that what they were capturing was halfway decent? I'd argue it's a bit of both because only the cloudiest of judgment could allow this, easily one of the worst films I've seen in recent memory, to be made.

The majority of the story takes place in the early 1900s where Colin Farrell, a now grown orphan, is running from Russell Crowe, an old employer and father-like figure that raised Farrell. And while this falling out is the driving conflict of the entire film, we are never shown a single scene to establish this relationship before it went sour. And no one in the theater will be able to explain why Farrell speaks with an Irish accent, despite spending 99.99999% of his life in Brooklyn.

Beyond this, we quickly learn that Crowe is running some sort of criminal organization that reports directly to Lucifer, yet somehow Farrell's character seems completely oblivious to this fact. Crazier yet? Lucifer has a disposition for sporting the same graphic t-shirt (even in the early 1900s) and appears to live underneath Grand Central station, the very structure Farrell resides in.

And while we might be able to argue that this is all fantasy and the normal rules of logic need not apply, the film's inability to establish a remotely believable love story is where the movie ultimately falls short. That the writing team thought four-minutes of awkward conversation over tea could act as the catalyst to a love story spanning a century is offensive. And the dialogue they employ to sell it through could be likened to a Twilight film.

Even when we find ourselves in present day New York City, we're left with plot craters. How does Farrell's character have no working memory or knowledge of his identity, no form of identification, seemingly no job (other than drawing the same picture on sidewalks), and yet he still has the loot for an apartment in the most expensive city in the country? How does Crowe not bump into him in the span of 100 years, when they live on the same island and Crowe is bestowed with immortality and spiritual sensibilities? There's a reason why the trailer allocates about half a second to the present day plotline, and that's because it simply doesn't make sense.

Do yourself, and all of humanity a favor, and do not affirm this film's existence by paying legal tender to see it.