Review of White Squall (1996) by Neil P — 12 Apr 2010

I know what you're thinking: Jeff Bridges on a boat. Sick. Must be an awesome movie.

But guess what, you're wrong. Unfortunately, someone decided it would be a good idea if he goes on a boat with a bunch of faggots.

The kids in this movie act like little girls! It pisses me off so much and it will piss you off too. Take this for example: one kid shoots a dolphin with a spear. Jeff Bridges (His name isn't Skipper, dammit!) takes the wounded dolphin onboard (it's very fake) and the kid doesn't even finish it off when Jeff Bridges tells him to, so Jeff Bridges has to kill the dolphin. Way to go jackass!

The movie is completely formless, too. There's supposed to be a main character but I couldn't figure out why he was any more significant than the other kids. You'll lose track of him pretty easily. Jeff Bridges is the only person worth paying attention to on the screen.

Here's the plot: Go on a ship, act like a bunch of little girls, land on some random island, dance around it like they're tribe members (seriously, that's what they do), then set sail back home the next day. You'll NEVER guess what happens next... they hit a white squall!

If Jeff Bridges died in the movie I would have given it ZERO PERCENT. But if all the kids died during the white squall but Jeff Bridges was the only one to survive I probably would have given it somewhere around 90% because it would be so worth it to watch these kids die.

One last thing, everyone in the movie is obsessed with the word albatross. Yeah, it's the name of the boat, but come on. They just like saying it.

So make sure when you want to pick up a movie with Jeff Bridges in it, make sure the other people in the film are cool too.