Review of White Chicks (2004) by Adam F — 19 Feb 2014

I'm not going to go as far as to say that "White Chicks" is a good movie, but I have to say it like it is and admit that even though this movie is badly written and incredibly stupid it's also pretty funny at times. This is a comedy and I laughed and for that it deserves SOME credit. You ready for this stupid story? It's about these two FBI agents, Kevin (Shawn Wayans) and his brother/partner Marcus (Marlon Wayans). Early in the movie they show that they're familiar with dressing up in elaborate costumes to catch criminals in the act, but not very bright. They screw up big time and next thing you know, they are given chauffeur duty, escorting two rich, snobby Paris Hilton-type heiresses from their airport to their hotel rooms. Brittany (Maitland Ward) and Tiffany Wilson (Anne Dudek) are being shadowed by the FBI because they are likely to be the victims of a serial kidnapper. While driving them, the agents get into a car accident and the two socialites' faces are "ruined". The women refuse to leave their hotel room, meaning all of the elaborate setup and man hours are a waste... or are they? Kevin and Marcus dress up as the white chicks and, unbeknownst to the rest of the department decide to impersonate them, hoping to bust the kidnapper(s) and redeem themselves in the eyes of the FBI.

There's no other way to describe this movie except to say it's a dumb comedy, doomed from the start because the very concept is idiotic. I get what they're doing, it's taking "Some Like It Hot" to the next level because on top of having two macho guys dressing up as girls, they're also black guys dressing up as Caucasians! It's a new frontier in comedy! Well, not really. The worst thing about this movie is that it's very predictable. You know that any time you have a guy dressing up as a woman, no matter how unconvincing or ugly she looks you are going to have a guy hitting on her and the screenwriters (who consist of more Wayans siblings than I can count) certainly didn't skip on that opportunity. We've also got that old tired plot line where the undercover job puts a strain on one of the guys' relationship with his significant other, scenes where the characters have to juggle their roles because their male self is needed, etc. I would almost be willing to give the movie a break on this one, but there is a sequence in particular that is so stupid, I need to tell you about it.

So here's the setup to that sequence. Kevin and Marcus have started to bond with Brittany and Tiffany's friends (though not before there are those awkward scenes where they have to pretend to know what they're talking about and fake their way through everything... aren't these guys FBI agents capable of doing some basic research?). They've met the rival socialites and have won a big victory by having Marcus beat their rivals at a dating auction. "Tiffany" has been "bought" by wealthy basketball player Latrell Spencer, a hulking black man who prefers white women played by Terry Crews. At the same time, Kevin decides that being in a secret, undercover assignment is the perfect time to begin dating. He asks reporter Denise Porter (Rochelle Aytes) out on a date, telling her HIS NAME is Latrell Spencer. The idea is that while the real Latrell is out on a date with Marcus, he's going to borrow the keys to Latrell's house and car and impress the lady, presumably so he can a one-night-stand with her because no woman could be stupid enough to jump into a relationship with someone that would create such a ridiculous ruse, only to be later revealed as an imposter (or would she? You'll have to see the end of the movie for yourself to find out, but I bet you can guess on whether or not these two end up together). So things start off well, with Marcus "covering" for his brother by extending the date at the restaurant for as long as possible, while ordering nasty food to deter Latrell from kissing him. Marcus then picks up his date and brings her back to "his place". Thankfully, this reporter is the most gullible and idiotic news person ever because she didn't bother researching the man she decided to go out with on a whim. Things are looking good for our hero. Then trouble rears its ugly head when it turns out that Latrell has an Asian housekeeper in the house (or maybe she was his girlfriend or a random stranger just hanging out inside the place, you'll see why I'm saying this in a minute). She doesn't speak a word of English so he quickly ushers her out of the house, where she proceeds not to call the police or the owner of the house to inform him that there is a strange couple entering the building. Thank goodness the huge mansion did not have a security system by the way. Kevin and Denise hit it off and we overhear him say that he's tired of speaking about himself and that now he wants to know about her (wouldn't you avoid talking about yourself if you were pretending to be someone else? Just saying it's an easy way to blow your cover... particularly if you're not familiar with the person you're impersonating. On top of that, what if the woman did some fact-checking on the real Latrell?). He suddenly gets a call from his brother. The date is over and Latrell is leaving the restaurant so it's time to return the car. Cut to, two bumbling FBI agents searching the Wilson's suite and discovering that there are wigs, fake breasts, masks and all sorts of things in there. These two geniuses realize that the people they have been catering to all week aren't the Wilson sisters... they're impostors! Next, we cut to Tiffany/Marcus and Brittany/Kevin who are both in full makeup, at the club with Latrell and the Wilson's three best friends Karen (Busy Phillips), Tori (Jessica Cauffiel) and Lisa (Jennifer Carpenter). That's right. Somehow Kevin talked himself out of the date, brought the woman back home, went to the hotel without being caught by the FBI security there, returned the car to the restaurant, met up with the "couple" and went to the club... all off-screen!

Going on and on about this film is actually a lot of fun because this film is a weird paradox, something I've never really encountered before. It's a terrible comedy that's easy to make fun of, but also genuinely funny at times. I just want to talk about a couple more of the moments of unintentional moments of comedy before I wrap this up. Everyone in this film is a brainless idiot. Even if you stretch your suspension of disbelief and you can buy the fact that Kevin and Marcus can pass off as the Wilson twins, despite the elaborate makeup making them look nothing like the real thing, there are just so many things about this film that makes no sense it will make your brain deflate and make farting noises like a balloon that's been untied. Marcus and Kevin have to be some of the dumbest FBI agents I've ever seen in a film, comedy or otherwise. These two guys go through hours of extensive makeup jobs to pass off as white women, yet they are surprised when men ogle at them and make cat calls, prompting them to fly into blind rages in their normal voices. Marcus, further proving himself to be a real cretin doesn't even tell his wife what is going on. You would think that if there's anyone you could trust in the world it would be the woman you marry, but instead he just up and leaves her to go on this comedic adventure so she can come into the film and think that the white lady in his hotel room is his mistress. I don't think there's a single person in the film that doesn't act out of character at some point, just for a cheap joke or a plot development. When we first meet Gina (Marcus' wife) she is a screaming harpy and she continues to be one until the emotional moment at the end where his experience as a woman has taught Marcus that really, it's his fault the marriage is on the rocks at the moment and she becomes a loving wife all of a sudden. Another example: Latrell, while not being someone Marcus wants to get together with, is despite his eccentricities genuinely interested in the "woman" and goes the extra mile to impress her, buying expensive champagne and dinner, placing himself in danger and entertaining her friends. Why then, is there a scene where he slips drugs into her drink? The answer being so we can have a comedic scene where the actor dances around without his shirt on and later a dumb gay joke. The amount of moments that make no sense are endless. I could make my own commentary on the whole movie and it would actually be a lot of fun (for me at least) because there's so much to talk about.

Here's what it boils down to. This movie is terrible. It's lazily written, full of cheap jokes, no internal logic and some people would even call it racist. If you look at the cover or hear what the premise is and you tell yourself that it sounds like rubbish you will not like this movie and you should not see it for any reason. If you like bad movies and making fun of them, you will get some laughs out of this. I did genuinely laugh with the movie, and laugh hard. I also laughed at the movie because of the continuous flow of bad moments. I don't know what else to say; "White Chicks" is a bad movie but once in a while it works and if you like riffing on films, this is gold. (Extended, Unrated version on Dvd, February 12, 2014)(2,5 / 5, ??/??/2008).