Review of Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden? (2008) by Andrew A — 21 Sep 2008

This weekend I watched [b]Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?[/b] at the theatre, and [b]The Love Guru[/b] on DVD. Both of these films were pure [i]shite[/i], but I loved the line, in [b]Guru[/b], where Verne Troyer, at meditiation, complains that sitting cross-legged "will pop my dink bag." It almost made me forget that the rest of the movie was so wretched, so abysmally putrid, that I'm not even going to waste my finger-energy blogging about it.

So, let's talk instead about [b]Osama[/b], shall we?

It just so happens that I read the book, [i][u]Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?,[/u][/i] by Morgan Spurlock, about three days before I saw the companion film. I puchased it, actually. When I saw it in the bookstore, I thought, [i]This is going to RAWK!,[/i] and I didn't even bother thumbing through its pages. After all, I'm a fan of Spurlock's TV series, [b]30 Days[/b], and I simply assumed the man had something important to say about [i]Islam[/i] and [i]Terrorism[/i].

How wrong I was.

It was [b]Supersize Me![/b] that made Spurlock and overnite sensation, "the next Michael Moore", a few years back. I thought that film, while occassionally engaging, was overlong and overrated. A nice effort, and wrapped around an important message-- nay, [i]wake-up call[/i]-- but ultimately padded, and maybe a bit contrived. [i]Fast food, as a lifestyle choice, is ultimately unhealthy.[/i] Yes, we know.

I winced (and still wince) at the part where Spurlock, halfway through a Quarter Pounder (TM) and a box of fries, complains that his stomach is "already aching". [i]Seriously?[/i] The man is a tree trunk! If [b]Supersize[/b] suggested it, then [b]Osama[/b] proves beyond a doubt that Morgan Spurlock is nothing if not a scenery-chewing ham.

The new film opens with computer-generated imagery of Spurlock fighting the wily Saudi, [i]Mortal Kombat[/i]-style, and if that doesn't tell you anything about Spurlock's ego, then stay tuned. The camera is not permitted to stray from his mug for very long-- and I'll admit that I was surprised by this, given his fairly hands-off approach to [b]30 Days[/b].

Not only does he want to be "the next Michael Moore", he has no qualms about blatantly ripping off Moore's style-- right down to the humorous, well-placed animated sequences. But, where Moore searches for something remembling closure, or at least [i]understanding[/i] in his films, Spurlock is utterly uninterested. He simply goes places, talks to people, rambles, makes smart-ass quips, and then goes home. There is no real narrative direction. I can almost say there's no [i]point[/i].

Granted, I did not expect that Morgan Spurlock would [i]actually[/i] locate Osama bin Laden. News of such an event would surely have preceded the book [i]and[/i] the film. I would have been satisfied by a ghost chase, a bagless hunt, an empty-handed quest... but [b]Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?[/b] is not even remotely related to its title. Spurlock is clearly [i]not[/i] seeking Public Enemy #1; he's only looking to cement his own media presence.

The book and the film are the same, for all intents and purposes. At the impetus of his wife's (badly contrived) pregnancy, Morgan Spurlock heads out into the world to confront [i]"the scariest man in the world",[/i] and possibly make the world a safer place for his offspring. [i]Seems like a cool idea.[/i] What follows are 300 pages, or 90 minutes of celluloid, detailing-- excruciatingly-- Spurlock's candid conversations with various Muslims. None of it really has anything to do with locating Osama. It's all, "Why do you people hate Americans?" and, "Can't we just get along?".

Going through the book, I grew increasingly frustrated by all the [i]nothing[/i] going on. A French Muslim says, "We don't hate Americans. We just abhor your foreign policy." An Egyptian Muslim says, "Maybe we do hate Americans." A Saudi says, "We hate everyone equally." An Afghani says, "We love everyone, but despise intolerance." [b]Osama[/b] is nothing more than a collection of random opinions, gathered all across Europe and Asia, with no cohesion whatsoever.

[i]No two Muslims think exactly alike[/i]. What an astounding revelation!

It's a [i]primer[/i], really, for the unread laymen who still think Islam is a country. There is nothing new or insightful in [b]Osama[/b]. [i]"Islam is a religion of peace!" "Jews and Muslims don't get along!" "Americans misunderstand us!"[/i] But, anyone who might have been interested in [b]Osama[/b] already knows these things! And the truly ignorant wouldn't bother with this material in the first place.

Spurlock has compared himself to Jeff Foxworthy-- just a lanky redneck with a sense of humor-- and if you can imagine Foxworthy heading to the Middle East with a cameraman and only a shred of a clue about what he's doing, then you have fully visualized [b]Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?[/b] That's the whole thing; just a running joke that wasn't terribly clever to begin with.

There is nothing here, just a dumb kid with a video camera. Everything seems staged, and badly. (The book contains dreadful, glaring typos, making me wonder if Spurlock's hillbilly cousin edited it before rushing off to press.) Spurlock, in either medium, doesn't even manage to seem genuine or credible. He's riding his own coattails, trying desperately to seem relevant or make something stick.

When he comments, "I'd really rather be at home, listening to Metallica," it's the only time I actually believe him.

[b]The Love Guru:[/b] [i]Shit.[/i].

[b]Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?:[/b] [i]Garbage.[/i].