Review of Whale Rider (2003) by Steven (Mogi) . — 30 May 2012

I made it a point to watch this movie because of all the popular praise I was hearing. I've seen some heralded foreign films that have definitely lived up to the hype (Monsoon Wedding, City of God, Rabbit Proof Fence). And others that, while not incredible were still fairly good (Bend It Like Beckham, Pan's Labyrinth, Amelie).

However, this movie is not one of them. It is terrible. First and foremost, the story is a rehash of a very old formula. The little girl is unfairly denied the opportunity to lead the tribe because she's a girl. She's overqualified for the position. She finally wins over even her most steadfast opponents by performing a borderline miracle. The end.

This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't executed so ham-fistedly. This movie has zero tact.

Her uncle/grandfather's (forgot which he was) discrimination and prejudice against her is not just harsh, it's over the top. His attitude toward her is so corrosive he might as well be wearing a black hat and twirling a villain mustache. His character's blindness to her value isn't just his main characteristic, its his only characteristic. His entire persona is reduced to a one dimensional caricature of what a close-minded patriarch might look like in a six year old's screenplay.

In contrast, the disenfranchised little girl's superiority to her young male counterparts could not be more blatant. She's better than them at EVERYTHING. She's perfect. She's smart, energetic, determined and most importantly, beautiful. She's better, faster stronger. Her flatulence is delightful.

The little tribe boys on the other hand, are the entirely forgettable sort you expect to someday fade angrily into a horizon while fruitlessly pursuing a smirking Indiana Jones.

If this movie were made in the US about a suburban white girl, it would've been laughed out of theaters. Everyone would've immediately identified its pandering and silliness. If the main actress was not gorgeous (her eyes are incredible) no one would care about her implausible situation.

A foreign setting can't fix these fundamental deficits. However, the worst is yet to come.

This movie is boring. It's mind numbingly slow and boring. How they managed to pull this off is beyond me. I mean, to be over the top *and* boring? That's really something.

Btw, those hoping to salvage some value from the movie by learning a little bit about Maori culture can forget about it. It seems like the makers wanted to go with a more 'character driven' piece. They basically sacrificed any serious investigation of Maori culture in order to tell what is essentially a Western narrative. The Maori setting is more of a decoration.

I'm serious, any time they showed some explanation of a Maori custom, I'd shout at the movie "yes! show more of that!" But they'd just cut back to that boring little girl and her stupid problem.

Sorry guys, unless you're on a plane, there's really no reason to be watching this movie.