Review of Waterworld (1995) by David A — 23 Nov 2009

(from The Watermark 07/30/95).

THE ABYSS-MAL: Waterworld is the name used to describe the Earth of the future after the polar ice caps have melted and most of the dry land is flooded over. It?s certainly a different premise than most films - and the possibilities are numerous. Too bad Waterworld never explores any of them. What is left is a bland story, no plot, little character, and an overdose of plausibilities that are never really made believable.

Kevin Costner plays a guy who apparently just sails around. And nothing else. His boat is no ordinary boat, however; it has more gadgets and tricks to it than Batman?s utility belt. Thank goodness - this way he can outsmart the bad guys and live to see another day where he can just - sail around some more. His only goal that can be assumed is that, like everybody else on the planet, he is in search of paradise: dry land. But so are the Smokers, a group of futuristic white trash gypsies who miraculously have access to tobacco products, butane lighters, and limitless automatic weapons. Their leader is Dennis Hopper, doing his usual bad-guy stuff that almost resembles acting. Costner hooks up with a beautiful waif (Jeanne Tripplehorn) and a little girl who has a map tatooed on her back. When they get to dry land, Costner can?t stay because he doesn?t feel at home. Excuse me? Then what has he been drifting around for all this time?

There are many funny moments - most of which are not intentionally so. When the Smokers make their first big attack, they use motor boats, jet skis, and even water skiers flying off of ramps. It looks like a Cypress Gardens revue directed by Tim Burton.

If you?re assuming Waterworld?s strengths must lie in its plot, think again. If the polar icecaps have melted, my first question is, when? Did it happen over a period of 200 years, or did it surprise the human race and happen in a week? If it was a long-term process, didn?t we do any structural planning to see that we?d have places to live? If it was a sudden geological change, wouldn?t there be a great air of devastation among the people? What is the societal structure that has developed as a result? In a futuristic film (i.e. Blade Runner, Brazil) basics like this must be in place before any story actually happens.

The characters in Waterworld are poorly developed. They undergo no change, and have no histories or explanations as to why or how they got to be where they are. Child-hater Costner learns to put up with the little girl, but it never really rings true. He is unsympathetic, abusive, and unappealing even in spite of his tight diving pants. As usual, his acting style contributes nothing. Tripplehorn does well with what little she has to work with, but she can?t save the film. Waterworld is long, uninteresting and just plain (pardon the expression) shallow.

QUEER QUOTIENT: Apparently homosexuals aren?t going to evolve into good swimmers or boat people. Not a family member to be found anywhere (not that there would be anything for them to do if there were).