Review of Warlock (1989) by Kurt A — 28 Mar 2010

Good times are had while watching this movie. It seems to have just enough umph to get it past the geeky genre stigmas and truly become a cult favorite.

It stars Julian Sands as a 17th century warlock who is about to be executed when ... in the form of a tornado ... he escapes to LA 300 years in the future. For it is there that he can hunt down the 3 pieces that make up the Grand Grimoire. aka The Devil's Bible. Which is the dumbest thing ever because the main purpose of the Grimoire is to give you God's true name which, if spoken backwards (like many 60s albums), will undo all of God's creation. Here is the dumb part though, whoever made the Grimoire didn't say the name so why make that feature if you never planned on using it yourself? Also, if you undo everything then you no longer exist so ... pardon me for asking but ... what's the point? Aside from that, the movie rocks.

Here are a few things I learned from watching Warlock.

1. It is possible to bite someone's tongue out of their mouth and throw it into a frying pan.

2. Not only is the boiled fat of an unbaptized male child tasty, but it lets you fly around like a bird.

3. Don't enter into an honorable cage match with a Warlock with the understanding that nobody is going to use magic and then immediately slam his face into consecrated ground.

4. If you want to get free plane tickets all you have to do is unplug the power cord on the credit card processing machine.

5. Mennonites know all about warlocks.

6. It's ok to board a plane with a huge iron rod attached to your back as long as you check it when you get on.

7. Comparing the electronic football prowess of a 17th century warlock to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers is not wise.

Here are some of my favorite lines from Warlock.

"Lest you favor throttlings to the ears and face. Bear West here!".

"Tell me, lest your children be born slugs of cold flesh.".

"My dad hates all that stuff about Jesus and the 12 apostrophes.".

It is definitely not a masterpiece of cinema but it is fun to watch and creative at times. Any fan of good 80s movies should eat this up. I say pick up a copy.