Review of Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) by Halfwelshman — 23 Jan 2012

It's almost impossible to find anything at all to like about Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Woody Allen's direction is lazy and heavy-handed, and his dialogue is completely lifeless. All the characters featured in the film are thoroughly unlikeable and impossible to relate to on any level, and every actor involved, while turning in completely competent performances, just look bored with what they are being asked to do.

Instead of using a narrator as a device to drive the plot, and make some amusing comments about the events we are witnessing as he did in Annie Hall, Allen this time uses it to state the bleeding obvious, and therefore makes it completely unnecessary.

The very worst of the film's numerous crimes, however, is the message about love it attempts to communicate, which is insulting to men, women and everyone's intelligence. Basically, Allen would have us believe that all women are either easy (like Scarlett Johansson's Cristina) or prude (like Rebecca Hall's Vicky) but both types of women can be seduced by a pretty disgusting misogynist so long as he's got nice eyes and a sexy accent (which describes Javier Bardem's Juan Antonio perfectly).

The only smiles raised for the entire film are embarrassed ones, and you feel slightly emotionally drained by the film's conclusion, not because you've had an involving viewing experience, but because you've struggled for 95 minutes to find something to keep you watching.

Still, the Spanish guitar music is nice, and Penelope Cruz makes a good crazy person.