Review of Vampires: Los Muertos (2002) by ♥ Vampire & — 05 Dec 2007

I caught this direct-to-video masterpiece on cable the other night. I'd only heard of it once before, when Jon Bon Jovi was plugging something (maybe U-571) on some late-night talk show. The host mentioned the movie, and Bon Jovi said something to the effect of "well, you can't win 'em all." When acting talent like Jon Bon Jovi freely admits that a movie he starred in was a piece of shit, it creates a morbid curiosity that simply can't be denied. The fact that I didn't particularly care for the first Vampires movie only made it that much more appealing.

It was bad. Not the worst vampire movie ever made (that honor goes to The Addiction), but damn was this not good. Basically, to get Vampires II, you take out all the amazing star power of the original (you, know, James Woods--or is it James Caan--I always get those two mixed up), substitute Jon Bon Jovi, and then rework everything that was almost cool in the original so that it is decidedly not cool. Then make sure that John Carpenter is on vacation that month (I can't imagine that they spent more than a month making this thing. I'm thinking 2 days on the script, 1 day on casting, 10 days of filming and post production, and 17 days of drinking to erase the horrible memory from their minds) To make people actually watch the thing, you throw in Natasha Gregson Wagner so that people will keep watching in case she gets nekkid (she doesn't).

Vampires II is bad, but not "Don't ever watch this movie. Ever." bad like The Addiction. It's more of a "Watch this if you and your friends want to get drunk and watch a bad movie" kind of bad.