Review of Vampire Academy (2014) by Nathan M — 10 Feb 2014

Sometimes a movie is so terrible it transcends the worst rating possible, and instead receives a full 5 star review. Vampire Academy is that movie. There is nothing redeeming about this film, but every piece of terrible filmmaking works together to create a perfect storm of awesome terribleness. I don't know if director Mark Waters and his big brother, who provided the script, intended this movie to be a parody of everything wrong with the current, vampire-obsessed culture, while at the same time being a film that is the worst example of the culture, but that's exactly what this is.

Vampire Academy wants to be really smart, snarky, and witty, unfortunately it's not that smart. However, you've never seen self-aware teenagers as hilariously and ridiculously stupid as you have here. Rose, the protagonist of this story, spouts so much sophomoric dialogue that you can't even begin to believe this is something a teenager would say. The screenwriter doesn't even seem to think the dialogue is that catchy, because he forces the characters to repeat key lines over and over again, hoping it will catch on.

But the dialogue isn't the best/worst part, what really fails/succeeds here is the overcomplicated universe, which I guess is credited to the source material. Why are there so many classes of vampires? Why are there so many details to this world that don't amount to anything? The world building is so stupid, yet complete, that you have to fall in love with what's going on.

I will give the cast credit here, they are completely sold out to making this movie work, and they totally do. If you want to see a bunch of talented actors, and some really terrible ones, give themselves completely to one of the most ridiculous dialogue and plot ever put to paper, see this movie! It was so fun to watch these words actually come out of people's mouths.

The action is incomprehensible. I never know what's going on in any action sequence, and Waters seems incapable of crafting an action sequence that really works. As incomprehensible as the action is, most of the character motivations are as well. I never knew why almost anyone was doing what they were doing, and when it was explained, it made even less sense.

I haven't even scratched the surface of how terrible and awesome this film is. You have to see it for yourself to believe it.