Review of Valhalla Rising (2009) by Scott T — 01 Feb 2011

This movie is unbelievably weird to watch. It starts off simple enough with Mads Mikelson (One Eye) being caged up and made to fight various warriors from a Viking tribe. All with nothing being said at all.

All you hear is the wind blowing and warriors beating seven bells out of each other. All done very realistically I must say. After about 30 mins of this you feel that you are kinda getting to grips with the style of the movie as barely a word is spoken and the camera just sits pointing at either characters sat down on grass looking out over the horizon or at the distant landscape itself.

The sense of dread builds up as the characters involved end up on a boat to The Promised Land and New Jerusalem surrounded by mist but once they get ashore barely anything happens that you can fully understand.

You are left to make your own mind up to what is going on as basically all the characters go bonkers. All with barely anything being said (I can't emphasise this enough because it's this that makes the movie so damn dull) and a horrible, horrible slow pace to get you there.

It's the filmic equivalent of bird watching. Nothing of interest happens at all over the 90 min duration. Mikkelson looks hard as nails and the fight scenes are brilliantly gory but the story itself is a horrific nightmare of imagery, pondering characters and dullness personified.

No wonder the critics love it so much. I usually love this sort of movie but I can't help but think it's pretentious beyond belief and in all honesty a complete waste of film and anyone's time.

One star only as Mads Mikkelson kicks arse and despite not saying a thing at all over the duration of the movie, is the only memorable thing about it. Stay well clear, unless you are suffering insomnia.