Review of Valhalla Rising (2009) by Diego T — 21 Jul 2013

From the pretentious director who gave you all those films you didn't understand, yet pretended to anyway, comes the shocking tale of a man who never speaks! Witness a full hour and a half of this sadistic moron walking over hills, bashing people's brains open with rocks, and rolling around in the mud like a retard! So brace yourself for the movie event of the year that critics are calling "Unwatchable" and "Ridiculously self-important!" It's truly the most cutting-edge borderline silent film to be made since the turn of the century!

At least that's what the DVD cover SHOULD say. Now: Valhalla Rising is officially one of the worst films I have ever seen. It has every quality I hate. It has no memorable dialogue, not good characters, abysmal plotting, and an overall holier-than-thou feel to it that really gets old after the first five minutes. It is just 90 minutes of shockingly brutal violence interspersed with foggy landscape shots and long, pondering stares. This movie tries to be something it's really not: Intelligent.

I have always been conflicted on the topic of Nicolas Winding Refn, but now I really see it. He's a pretentious, incredible asshole who feeds audiences ludicrous stories with no purpose and no dialogue and expects them to eat it up. Which, in most cases, they do. I know a lot of people liked this, but let's be honest: They only said they did because they wanted to feel smarter than they actually were. And they've made a fatal error here, because this movie has no deeper meaning or underlying tone. It is just monotonous, idiotic violence and grotesque imagery that is pummeled into your eyes for far too long.

The film follows a Norse warrior imprisoned in Scotland in the year 1,000. He is a 'heathen' whose kind has been driven to the edge of the Earth by Christians. Or at least, that's what the exposition at the beginning tells us. Besides that, there's hardly any communication with the audience at all for the first ten or twenty minutes.

This movie really tries to be art, but fails on every level. It is visually good, but that's pretty much the only reason I can fathom for anyone liking this. Unless they are psychopathic ax-murderers who tie people up in their basement and force them to watch idiotic torture porn. But I doubt that was the target audience that Mr. Refn was aiming for. He was probably aiming for people locked in mental institutions.

Final Score for Valhalla Rising: 2/10 stars. Absolutely, unequivocally, the anus of cinema. Anyone who disagrees falls into one of two categories: The aforementioned ax-murderers, or stupid people who think that this is art and want to act intelligent. Don't look for deeper meaning in shit like this; it's a self-indulgent waste of time and money. Horrible.