Review of Valentine's Day (2010) by Alyson C — 28 Feb 2016

What is the prefect Valentines Day gift? Chocolates, roses, candy, jewellery, a poem, a teddy bear, or a love heart shaped piñata and a metal baseball bat?

Frankly, when it comes to this movie, take the baseball bat and use the script as the piñata. Valentine's Day (as per the actual day itself) is a flimsy, passé and insipid American excuse of an occasion.

Bludgeoning viewers into submission, Valentines Day attempts to mimic the breezy charm and vocal intelligence of the interlaced Christmas focused classic British rom-com Love, Actually. Lacking depth or connection, the awkward tedium and glum mediocrity of Valentines Day's sticky sweet schmaltz simply can not be helped by bringing in the entire inhabitants of Hollywood.

Pretty Woman Director Garry Marshall has assembled what has to be one of the largest bevy of bankable A & B-listers in history. With over two dozen near-famous, truly famous and impossibly famous actors typecasted as distinct stereotypes for every demographic it's a wonder why four Oscar winners, two Oscar nominees, an Emmy winner, two Emmy nominees and a Grammy winner would agree to the frighteningly miniscule on-screen face time.

With the merry-go-round dizzy collage of over 15 interwoven hookups and breakups already enough to make you nauseous, the cutting back and forth between character and actor first and last names will simply do your head in. So in the simplest terms and most convenient definitions, to paraphrase (actor last name only).

LA flower-shop owner Kutcher proposes to a surprised Alba. Happy-happy joy-joy she says yes, and he spends the rest of the day spouting sappy cheese ball one-liners to his happily married assistant Lopez.

Ashton's best friend and school teacher Garner is besotted with her new lover, the otherwise married Dr Dempsey (surprise surprise, he's a doctor in this too).

Dempsey inhabits the same building as flaky cheerleader Swift, who is vapidly in-love with athlete beau Lautner.

Lautner's high school bud Jenkins intends to have first-time sex with girlfriend Roberts (Emma not Julia).

Roberts babysits 10 year old Robinson; who is infatuated with his teacher Garner, who's devoted grandparents Elizondo and MacLaine consider renewing their vows.

Stay with me, this is only the beginning.

Tough-as-nails TV executive Bates, demands her Number two sports caster Foxx to do roaming fluffy valentines interviews, but Foxx is preoccupied trying to get an illusive interview with will-he-wont-he retire questionable quarterback Dane.

Foxx contacts Dane's publicist Biel, who is busy being an emotional wreck as no-one has RSVP'd to her "I hate Valentines Day" party.

Biel liaises with bi-polar sports agent Latifa over the whole Dane controversy, whilst Latifa's temp receptionist Hathaway attempts to keep her secret as a moonlighting naughty nympho phone-sex-mistress from her not-yet-serious boyfriend Grace.

Meanwhile, up in the air, free of the interlocking episodes below, complete strangers Cooper and an off-duty soldier Roberts (yes Julia) are taking a nap and bonding over heart shaped candy.

As you can see, the sprawling interconnected narratives fragment in unexpected ways and are simply impossible to condense in a senseical way. Like a bad first date, all you can do is smile and nod.

Whilst intermittent, and hard to see through the haze of pink and predictable Kutcher fluff, there are some wonderful cameos, nice chemistry and genuinely heart-warming moments. Even a true cynic will appreciate Robert's grounding and Hathaway's comedic adeptness.

The Verdict: Although mortifying and atrocious to your everyday sensibilities; sometimes fellows, a little sugary mush can get you a long way. If you're hoping to get back into her good graces after messing up this Valentines, two tickets and a big box of maltesers would be a great start.

Published: The Queanbeyan Age.

Date of Publication: 19/02/2010.