Review of Valentine (2014) by Michael S — 14 Feb 2011

Valentine owes everything it has to the 80's slasher film formula; this movie follows the exact same path as the countless others that set out before it. That wouldn't be such a bad thing had the movie been half way decent, but everything about this movie just seems so temporary on the pop culture scale. A lot of the people that I talk to about horror movies forgot that this film even exists. Has the memory of Valentine been swept away with the newer generations? The movie didn't come out that long ago. It's really bizarre.

Talking about forgotten generations, the soundtrack to the movie is the first thing I noticed. Listen to this line-up: Orgy, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Static-X, Rob Zombie, and Marilyn Manson. Let the soundtrack serve as the catalyst for the movie.

Like I said above the movie uses the 80's slasher premise to get its point across, and as it is executed here it is awfully predictable and a tad bit confusing. You have a kid who gets bullied in school by the bitchiest group of girls ever known to mankind. 15 years later or so, the girls start dropping off one by one. David Boreanaz, gives a bad performance as a recovering alcoholic boyfriend to the main character, and here is a spoiler for ya... he slips off the wagon. Oh, and a young, chubby, Katherine Heigl is in about 7 minuets of the movie.

Forgettable, poorly acted, horribly written, and overly predictable, this movie couldn't possibly be saved by anything, could it? Well the killer was pretty fun looking and brutal to boot, but that's about it; far from salvaged. I can't give this movie a score over 4 and feel like a decent human being so that's what it's getting.

Suggested viewing: Hatchet (2008) - Adam Green (This movie uses the same premise with a better coating. It also has Katherine Heigl in it.).

Rating: 4 of 10.

Favorite Quote: You look great, Kate. How about a date, Kate? You could be my mate, Kate.

S!D.