Review of Underworld: Blood Wars (2016) by Trevorsview — 07 Jan 2017

Good grief, more of this vampire and werewolf nonsense? When will this cultural obsession just die already?

Oh, that’s right, never. Because apparently vampires are immortal… Well, after watching Underworld: Blood Wars, you will finallyGood grief, more of this vampire and werewolf nonsense? When will this cultural obsession just die already?

Oh, that’s right, never. Because apparently vampires are immortal….

Well, after watching Underworld: Blood Wars, you will finally realize how unappealing immortality is. When a war between two mythological species has been going on for five films, don’t you think the two sides would have realized by now that neither one will win? After all, if the whole point of the mythology is that nobody can die, what’s with all the gun and swordplay?

Those scenes of wolves getting mutilated and decapitated may just as well been the most entertaining scenes in this entire series, if you enjoy watching Kill Bill levels of gore without the artistry of the screen. I’m betting you two cents that the existence of this movie comes just for the strange world where guns and swords somehow coexist where vampires rule a democracy.

The story makes just as much sense as the 2016 presidential election: Kate Beckinsale (The Aviator, Love & Friendship) plays the highly motivated feminist lead who is out to find her daughter whose blood can end the war… and apparently she has this same type of blood too, which she’s trying to keep away from the vampire council who want to use it for abusive means… well, that was at least the plot I got out of it. There was not enough sense of mythology or coherent history for me to care about anything in this snooze fest.

Which is sad, because the potential for a great story is there, if less time was spent sexualizing every woman on screen and more time showing us why we should care about any of the strangely attractive members of this futuristic (yet somehow historical) society.

Well, maybe we should be giving this atrocity more credit, seeing how this is director Anna Foerster’s first attempt at a feature-length? …Nah. If I were to tell the world that this was my first achievement after directing a series of shorts, I’d hide my head in embarrassment. Seriously, Foerster has no idea how to stage actors, especially the teen heartthrob Theo James (Divergent). I’m serious- that guy needs to just quit acting. He has no future in this field.

Foerster does have her moments of proving to be potentially good at this directing thing; as she includes a gorgeous view of a snowy landscape blanketed by northern lights, but it’s not enough to outweigh the incomprehensible fight choreography that takes the place of character development.

There is nothing that Underworld: Blood Wars has to offer besides feelings of dark coldness, kind of like the unfortunate winter season we’re living through now.