Review of Under Siege (1992) by Fraser B — 10 Mar 2009
Sometimes I just can't believe the fucking CIA, man, you know? If you watch enough films you get a sense that these dickheads don't have a fucking clue what they're doing half the goddamn time.
Take Under Siege, for example. There's this smarmy arsehole named CIA Dickhead #1 or something, and it turns out he gave a bunch of money to Tommy Lee Jones, who is some sort of psychotic hippy/roadie Osama Bin Laden type of guy (it was a complicated movie, I'll have to watch it again sometime). Anyway, after funding Tommy into next year (which would be 1993 - keep up) he then fires him or something and tries to have him killed! Can you believe that? What a Dickhead #1.
Anyway, understandably put out about this, Mr. Jones decides to get his own back by taking over a Navy battleship and holding the world hostage, etc, etc. Now, at this point Tommy Lee crosses the line, in my opinion, because terrorism is not cool, I don't think. Fortunately I remembered there's this dude in the kitchen who looks a lot like Steven Seagal, just without the ponytail. He's the cook on-board, and I got the feeling that he knows how to handle himself.
Yeah, good call on my part, I would sa, because it turns out that guy really IS Steven Seagal!! I wasn't sure at first, but then I double-checked the DVD cover and sure enough it says Steven Seagal is in this one. Lucky break, right? I mean, it's suddenly like Die Hard, but on a boat, and with fucking badass Steven Seagal instead of useless old John McClaine, right? Pretty much, yeah.
There is also a stripper (Miss World 1989, apparently), who is mostly only there to be the annoying sidekick once the initial boob and bum flashing is over with. She drags things down a bit, but Tommy Lee Jones is clearly having a blast hamming it up as the villain, and, of course, our boy big Steve is always up to something cool.
Oh yeah, there's a genuinely quite awesome knife fight towards the end. Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Seagal are there. I liked that bit. That is all.
This review of Under Siege (1992) was written by Fraser B on 10 Mar 2009.
Under Siege has generally received positive reviews.
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