Review of Unaccompanied Minors (2006) by Anthony P — 18 Jun 2009

This movie is complete garbage. It is terrible for children and mind numbing for the adults. Just because it's for children doesn't mean you don't have to try. There is no sympathy when it comes to this. I don't care if it's a kids movie, it was god awful. Okay let's start. The plot is centered about kids who are stranded in an airport. Wow the plot is so exciting. The characters were garbage. The main boy and main girl had no redeeming qualities. They were bland and uninteresting. They were obviously going to be the main couple of the cast. The girl was a bitch and the boy was a pansy and is essentially the girl's bitch. The boy succeeds at having no personality. He is just a boy. He isn't cool, wild, calm, geeky, etc. He's just there. I can compare his acting to that of a lecture from your college professor. It's dull and you'd rather be doing something else than listen to it. The girl is just a bitch. She is the prissy girl of the cast. Don't worry. They fall in love because...well they are the main characters. Next couple is the geeky black kid played by that guy who was in Everybody Hates Chris. He is the smart kid...and he is black. All of his traits. Then comes his girlfriend...boyfriend....thing. It's apparently a girl, but she looks like a grunger from the 90s. The long hair suggests it's a girl, but it's shaggy, so it could be a boy. The crappy fashion sense also suggests it's a boy, but she could be a lesbian. I don't know. Then there is the fat kid. He is terribly cliche. He likes to eat and likes to eat. He also fancies eating. God, does every fat kid eat. Can't they have other qualities? Not in this movie. Now somehow they got their villain to be played by comedian...Lewis Black. What is he doing there? Have you listened to his shows? Wow, I bet he was dying inside playing this part. So obviously being a kids movie, he isn't very funny because he can't do any of his adult routines. Well that is the main cast. Bland. The plot sucks. Throughout the movie they just run around while being pursued by the security. It's essentially plan, run around, get caught, new plan, run around, get caught, another plan, super long chase, succeed, and crappy speech. It's lame. It drags on and takes to long to get to what is obviously going to happen. I found one side story in the movie very weird. It's the father of the main boy going to the airport. He's a crazy guy obsessed with his car. He talks to it and caresses it. It's very uncomfortable. There is a scene where his car gets destroyed. It's a nice physics lesson for the kids. A tree is thrown and in a straight line flies right into the car...it's the worst effect ever. It just flies like a plane into the car. No dip, straight line. The very end. The boy and girl share a kiss, black kid and confused lesbian share a kiss, and the fat kid eats some more. Lewis Black becomes good and slowly dies on the inside. Not a redeeming quality in sight...

...

Wait. Someone is emerging from the crowd that is listening to the speech. Can it be? It's Buster from Arrested Development. Holy shit! That's awesome. I was so excited to see him. I don't care how they got him. Perfect movie.

...

Okay, it still blows. The jokes were unfunny, the acting was terrible, the plot was cliche and dragged on, the characters were bland, and overall it was a bad movie. Complete garbage.

0/4.