Review of Ultramarines: A Warhammer 40,000 Movie (2010) by Daniel O — 05 Feb 2011

I love Terence Stamp. His voice is wonderful. However, having him read a part in this script is like putting lipstick on a pig. Dan Abnett should be taken out back and shot with a bolter. Seriously, what was he thinking? Every line in this movie reads like an ultramarine ultra-pissing contest. These guys are always bickering and tossing little insults at each other. The script is as childish as a Warhammer 40,000 game run by 8 year olds.

The script is rife with glaring plot problems:

1. An Ultramarine is wounded, laying on a medical gurney, being treated by a medic. Wouldn't they take off his damn armor?

2. "Our sensors are useless! We can't see through this fog!" Come on guys, it's the year 40,000. Helicopters in 2010 in Iraq have infrared-cameras and night vision. Fog is nothing to a modern UAV. I'll tell you what's a fog; the logic in this script!

3. You have a platoon of Space Marines. On a planet. In a church. Guarding a book. Here's a clue guys, put it in the safe-deposit box and get on with life. I'm sure the Emperor could use you somewhere else, instead of playing librarian.

4. Again it's the year 40,000. They have warp drive technology, but they can't fix the leaking roof in their "shrine"? Guys it's the only damn building on the planet. Go to Home Depot or something.

This movie was mildly interesting, yet the "acting" (if you can call it that) was nothing more than listening to people play Dungeons & Dragons in a comic book shop. It wasn't much of a story, just one big fight scene. To make matters worse you couldn't tell anybody apart. They're all a bunch of bald guys wearing blue space suits. This was kind of like watching a movie about lego men. Everybody's just so... plastic.

It was a kids movie. Yes, even though this movie was rated R. The rating probably comes from the fact that a few guys get their heads sliced in half. In once such case the director choses to spend a good 3 seconds showing blood go sput-sput out of the guy's brain just for effect. (Well, half his brain.) Dude, I'm not letting MY eight year old see this on DVD; he will be screaming about nightmares for a week.

Hey don't get me wrong. I like Warhammer, it's a fun game and it provides kids hours of fun, especially if you're a good Dad and you get involved with it. The game provides for quality-time. I'm just not sure this movie does. Save your money and just buy some more game pieces.