Review of Twilight (1994) by Bonnie C — 13 Apr 2013

Ugh...... I can just imagine the endless lines of teenage girls and their unenthusiastic boyfriends at the midnight showing for this piece of garbage. Let me make this very clear: The film 'Twilight' is an evil that must be stabbed in the heart repeatedly and die several deaths in order to cleanse the world of its intoxication of the idea that teenage lust can be construed as love, that vampires walk around during the day, and that teenage girls complaining and whining about every little thing in their pathetic little lives is okay and normal. What will we gain from this movie? A - More teenage 'heart throb' relationships that end up with the girl getting pregnant, and the two having to marry to avoid suspicion, leading to having absolutely no futures. B - An array of teenagers who wear pale make up and dark eye liner and claim to be, 'emo'. C - More Paris Hilton brats who will stop at nothing until they get their way.

The stupid fucking story is based on the stupid fucking book of the same name by Stephanie Meyer. Bella(Kristen Stewart) moves to ghetto-ville and falls "in love" with Edward(Robert Pattison). Later she finds out he's a vampire. For some reason, the native americans can sense vampires. You know, since they're native american, they have ancient wisdom and magic powers that enhance their vampirism detecting abilities. There's a pointless side plot involving another group of vampires. This other group goes from town to town, eating the helpless villagers. Most the villagers are crack whores and hicks anyways, so I fully support the others in their initiative to rid the world of these idiotic troglodytes.

Anyways, blah blah blah, Bella and Edward, awwwww! They're so cute! I want to vomit chunks everywhere. I think my vomit is more attractive than Edward. The fact of the matter is that all of these actors are good looking in actuality. In the film, they look hideously ugly. How can someone consciously see the horrific make up jobs done on these actors and not do anything about it? Edward, for instance, has piled hair(He looks like he jumped off the page for a high fashion magazine) that has been badly and choppily dyed dark brown with some blonde, his eye brows have been dyed solid black, he has massive eye liner under his eyes, hollowed out cheeks, and so much make up powder, you can practically see it flaking off. At one point, Edward puts himself in one of the rays of sunlight. Vampires, you see, look like shining diamonds in the sunlight. You didn't know that? Neither did I. Neither did Bram Stroker. Neither did Van Helsing. Nore anyone else with any knowledge of vampires, for that matter. You see, in the world of 'Twilight', the rules do not apply. Characters and creatures are manipulated to fit the story when needed.

The acting is careless and stupid. The actors say lines like, "They could come after us and try to kill us." so casually, it would feel completely natural for them to say, "Do you like my socks? I got them at Old Navy." immediately afterward. Kristen Stewart always looks as if she's having an orgasm. Always. One sequence, we see her breathing heavily in bed. The narration tells us she's having her first dream of Edward. Ew. I don't want to watch her coming. That's gross. She gets this really annoying voice of panic from time to time, "You don't - I - uh - no - you can't do that - uh - I - you - no!" I wanted to sew her lips together. I was hoping that James was going to eat her by the end, but no. Instead, he gets burned to death while Edward has to make, supposedly, an important decision. The decision he should have made was to let Bella die from the poison. That way, we wouldn't have to deal with the God-awful sequels.

I can't stress the utter dumbness of this movie. Everything that any of the characters say is retarded. "I only fear of loosing you." "Say it, say it out loud." "This dress makes my boobs look good." Nothing in this film is worth remembering, except to make fun of it. When Bella shows up at school in her worn out truck for the first time, all the kids point and laugh at her, I mean, how embarrassing, right? She is driving a worn out truck, what a stupid nerd! ...Seriously: High School Kids DON'T CARE whether or not someone has a worn out truck. That is a tired cliche that has survived for too long.

If you've got any sort of a brain, I plead for your sanity, don't see this film. It is the epitome of teenage depravation and high school love babies. The author of the books doesn't know a thing about the subject matter she was exploring, and the movie emulates the utter knowledgelessness of the novels. I know the film will be successful, and I am deeply worried. This movie could very well lead to Armagedden, or the Apocalypse. Doomsday approaches. This Friday: The opening day of 'Twilight': The day of horror.