Review of Twilight (1990) by Tim O — 18 Jul 2014

I try my best to make hate free reviews so here it goes.

OK, first things first: I am not the target audience for "Twilight". In fact, I am about as far from this movie's target audience as is humanly possible. I am not a teenager. I am not a girl. I have never read any of the Twilight books. What's more, I had never even heard of the books until the buzz for this movie started a few months back. That buzz told me that the vampire-themed books by Stephanie Meyer were the heir to JK Rowling's Harry Potter series as the must-read young adult franchise.

That's all I knew as I took my seat to watch "Twilight," and this much was confirmed by the time I got up to leave: This movie is not for me.

And I'm not so sure about that buzz either. I still remember going to the screening for the first Harry Potter film, "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone". The theater was jam-packed with kids of all ages and their parents, who seemed to be looking forward to it as much as the little ones. There was a line outside of agitated people who didn't get in. By contrast, the Twilight screening I attended was about 75 percent full, and the vast majority of those in attendance were teenage girls. A few moms were in accompaniment, but it seemed most parents stayed away. With age comes wisdom, they say.

This is one of those tricky movies to review. I have already told you that it isn't for me. If you are excited to see it, it is almost certainly true that you have read and enjoyed the books, and if that is true then you are almost sure to enjoy the movie. But this is not a movie that is likely to draw new fans to the books.

It is a movie with vampires, for instance, but it is not a vampire movie. It is really just a teen girl's romantic fantasy about her perfect boyfriend - the only snag being that the perfect boyfriend happens to be over a hundred years old, immortal and, yes, a vampire.

The girl is named Bella (Kristen Stewart), and as the movie opens she has moved from her mother's house in Phoenix to her father's house in Forks, Washington. Every day in Forks is gray and rainy, making it the perfect spot for a family of the undead to settle.

The perfect boyfriend is Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and it's easy to see why Bella is interested. He is handsome and brooding - at her new school, she learns that Edward talks to no one outside his stepbrothers and stepsisters, all of whom are similarly pale-skinned. Oh, and on sunny days, the Cullens never show up to school. Weird.

When it's not sunny outside, Bella and Edward are lab partners in science class, though at first he refuses to speak to her, even to introduce himself. Very weird. When he finally does speak to her, Edward tells Bella she should stay away from him. Not much of an icebreaker, but Bella is intrigued - and she's even more intrigued when, in the school parking lot, Edward saves her life by appearing out of nowhere to rescue her from an oncoming, out-of-control van by, um, stopping it with his bare hand. Extremely weird.

Meanwhile, strange things are happening around Forks, where Bella's dad is the police chief. People keep getting killed by animal attacks. Hmm. Bella talks to her native American friend Jacon (Taylor Lautner) who tells her a story that circulates at his reservation: They once did battle with a local band of vampires in the area, though a truce has held the peace for hundreds of years. Bella does some research, figures out that Edward must be one of said vampires, and is even more intrigued.

She's right, of course. Edward is a vampire, though as he explains it he and his family are the "vegan" form - meaning they only prey on the blood of animals. Something tells me PETA would not approve of Edward's brand of veganism. But Edward finds Bella very tempting - he really wants to taste her blood, he tells her. Try that line in a bar sometime and see where it gets you, Eddie.

I have probably already explained too much of the plot. No one who is going to see this movie needs to be told the story. They likely know it by heart, and would be unmoved and perturbed if I bothered to point out how very creepy this Edward guy is - at one point he confesses to Bella that he often sneaks through her window and watches her sleep in her bed. Yikes. And they would probably be annoyed if I pointed out that a scene involving "vampire baseball" is just plain dumb, though I did appreciate learning why vampires can only play during a thunderstorm. Silly me - I never even knew vampires played baseball. Manny Ramirez makes a little more sense now.

Nor would fans of the book appreciate if I pointed out just how slapdash the movie seems, how shoddy it looks and how the performances are almost uniformly amateurish. Would they balk if I share that the story is structured poorly, that its ending feels rushed and that the dialogue is laughable - sample line "You're like my own brand of heroin"? No, they probably won't even notice, as they're too busy lining up to see it, or see it again, or thinking of sequels.

If you want to see it you will love it. If not stay away. "Twilight" is a self-selecting film.