Review of Troy (2004) by Julian K — 19 Sep 2018

Troy: 8 out of 10: Wolfgang Peterson takes on Homer's two epics (The Iliad and The Odyssey) in this retelling of the Troy myth. Peplum meets large-scale war film in this star-studded feast for the eyes. Spoilers ahead for those about ten thousand years behind on their reading list.

The Good: The battle scenes. This movie has grown on me over the years. The battle scenes are truly a sight to behold. There are enough practical effects and real extras to make the CGI work and the stunt doubles are kept to a minimum.

Since they downplayed part of the myth (Mostly the Gods) to be more realistic there is a concern there wouldn't be a big damn wooden horse but instead some sort of allegory. Nope big damn wooden horse shows up in all its glory. And it is truly glorious. Peterson makes the very wise decision to skip the CGI and clearly build a giant horse that is dragged through the street of Troy.

The movie has a surprisingly good pace for such an epic with plenty of back and forth battles. The war is staged in such a way that one can tell who is who and what they are up to without having to use the common crutch of one character describing the action on screen to another in case someone in the audience is unsure what is happening. (See Casino Royale where we get a running commentary of the rules of Texas Hold'em poker for ten or so minutes).

The Bad: When the characters are not fighting the movie gets into some trouble. Orlando Bloom's Paris is by all accounts a bad guy. He is a coward who stole another man's wife (The King of Sparta's wife no less) and started the damn war. He then wusses out in hand to hand combat and whines incessantly. Since the movie is so gung-ho to make The Greeks the bad guys (With Brain Cox chewing entire beaches as the head Greek Agamemnon) they turn Paris into a good guy coward who steals men's wives and whines incessantly. It doesn't quite work. (They also turn his father Priam, played by Peter O'Toole into a wise kind king who always talks about honor even though it is his son's massive dishonoring of his Sparta allies that are the reason for the season).

In fact, Brian Cox twists so many mustaches it's easy to remember he isn't all that wrong. Troy did steal his brother's wife and he makes surprisingly reasonable initial demands. (Give the wife back and join our alliance). Yes, he has conquered most of Greece but he allows the heads of the Greek states to keep their positions and bluntly is concerned a divided Greece would be ill-prepared for a foreign invasion.

The Ugly: Wolfgang Peterson initially didn't want Helen of Troy in the film because he felt that no actress was up to the task to be a beauty that launched a thousand ships. Wolfgang has good instincts. It can be done with just looks mind you (Cameron Diaz in the Mask) but it is easier when one mixes looks with personality (Cameron Diaz in There's Something about Mary). Diane Kruger is an attractive woman but she isn't stunning. Her acting, in an admittedly underwritten role, makes her fall into the good riddance category. (She is as much a bad guy as Paris in many ways). One starts to question why the Sparta King wants her back? (He states its to strangle her little neck so I guess that's fair).

In Conclusion: There is a director's cut with more sex, more violence, and even sillier funeral scenes. I have to see that. Unfortunately, this is a review of the theatrical version. Outside of the battle scenes, there isn't all that much to recommend. Fortunately about a solid half of the film is battles scenes done extremely well so I happily recommend. After all, you don't watch Fast and Furious movies for the hokey speeches about family now do you?