Review of Troll 2 (1990) by Laurent G — 16 May 2010

My mother watched every schlocky horror film ever made. If it even remotely looked like it might possibly be scary, she was glued to the couch in her afghan, a vodka and kool-aid in hand. She was an encyclopedia of the genre, and often liked films most people didn't, such as Empire of the Ants starring Joan Collins, or Food of the Gods....classic B horror films. So it was no surprise that I received my first review of Troll 2 from my mother, the schlock fest aficionado. And SHE even thought this film was awful.

I saw some films that my mother said were "not that bad" - Empire of the Ants, Food of the Gods. So by mother's bargain basement standards, I thought it safe to pass on this one.

Until three weeks ago when I, for whatever reason, decided to watch it. Well, no, I know why. I heard Terri Gross from NPR interview Michael Stephenson, the child actor in the film, who had just made a documentary about making this stinking turd of a movie. His new documentary, The Best Worst Movie Ever, tells the tale of how all of the actors in this film went into hiding after it was made, embarrassed to tell anyone it was them, until they found out the film was selling out theaters currently wherever it was playing.

So I thought I would give it a go. And my mother was right, this is possibly the worst film I have ever seen in my entire life. From the directing, to the God-awful acting (these people make Heather Langenkamp look like Meryl Streep), to cringe worthy dialogue, and of course, the WTF moment seeing the goblins for the first time. And um, the movie is about goblins, not trolls?

However, it is the funniest damn movie I have ever seen. This piece of garbage is so over-the-top bad, you can not help but laugh until you pee, which is not always such a bad thing.

My favorite part is when this witch seduces this kid (I didn't even bother trying to figure out who was who or what it was all about) with this ear of corn. I mean how stoned do you have to be to think kissing while eating an ear of corn is sexy? The perverted Italian director, Claudio Fragasso, that's who! Remind me NEVER to go to an Italian brothel while visiting Europe.

The mother is my favorite because she is one hot mess! In the interview with Mr. Stephenson, he said the poor "actress" was so devastated by this performance, she is still a recluse. I don't blame her. Only a drag queen on crack could potentially manage the level of camp this woman forces to the screen. If Faye Dunaway channeled Joan Crawford to have Felinni's illegitimate child, it would produce this woman's performance. I laughed my ass off! She is in her own way a revelation. Like watching Divine eating dog shit from a sidewalk. Brilliant and horrifying all at once.

Troll 2 is not for everyone. Hell, it is hardly for anyone. But for those hearty souls with a couple of bottles of tequila and some really good herbal inducement ..... this film rocks!