Review of Troll 2 (1990) by Bobby L — 09 Jun 2010

You're probably already aware of this movie's infamy, but if you aren't, allow me to sum it up as thusly- it's widely regarded as one of the worst films of all time, and the star of the movie, Michael Stephenson, whom was twelve when at the time, recently made a documentary about it's awfulness and it's new-ish cult, midnight movie status, titled Best Worst Movie. It's quite telling.

I must say, it's refreshing to sit down and watch a movie live up to it's own hype. This movie is every bit the reprehensible, anti-logic, front to corn, popcorn, sex, paper mache, acting, directing, cinephiles, and decent storytelling it's been billed as. What's more, it has nothing, at all, in any way, shape, or form to do with the slightly fun original. This one is about Goblins, that live in the rural town of Nilbog (haha- Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge! Get it?).

Stephenson, as young Joshua is bland, but not terrible, it could be chalked up to inexperience and weak direction. Something that could be gotten over, if it weren't for the fact that every actor and actress, save one, is not only bad, but so entirely heinous it's one of the funniest things ever. Very, very special mention needs to be given to Margo Prey, as Diana, the mom. In a film chock full of amateurish, bad acting, Margo gets the award for the worst throughout. I'm not sure if I can possibly explain how and why she's so bad, but, as they'll tell you in acting class, the trick is to not act like your acting- she's the antithesis to this. Not monotone really, but everything is wide eyed ridiculousness, and she says everything as if just out of electro-shock therapy. It's so bad, and much, much worse.

I'd be severely remissed if I didn't mention young Connie McFarland, as sister Holly, and how the audience is introduced to her. There's some terrible pop/rock song playing while the camera goes around this room before settling on a 110 lbs. (if that) teenage girl weight lifting, but oddly, has no muscle tone, at all, rocking a walkman, and it feels creepingly voyeuristic, as she's dressed in a skimpy outfit. But, as stated, what makes this introduction so memorable, it's the fact that she has no damn muscle tone! She's weight lifting, but looks scrawnier than Olive Oyl from Popeye.

However, it's our introduction to Joshua, in the very beginning of the movie, that sets the benchmark for how low this film is. Starting off in a fairytale forest where a naive, waifish, dandy man is turned into a plant/ human hybrid gelatin by why of a 4-leaf colver marked pretty lass- this is a story being told to Joshua by Grandpa Seth, a little morbid, and fucked up, but hey, family bonding, right? Wrong! Idiot savant Mom enters, and asks Josh who he was talking to. It turns out, Grandpa Seth is dead, and has been so for a little while!

The way the apparition of Seth works is always made up on the fly. Just after getting to Nilbog, the family they are switching houses with (yes, it's a home swapping dealio), left a feast on the table for our family to enjoy. Grandpa Seth, because he can't go through solid objects (?) appears outside and calls Joshua to the window. He then freezes time so Josh can pee on all the food so his family won't eat it. That's right folks, he pees on the Goblins' magical transforming evil food! Yay!

The prosthetics look like the rubber they are made from. Somehow, even when the mouth is enclosed in fake bark, the plant/ person hybrids, before it turns to green/ vanilla cream goop, is able to live, and if the mouth bark is removed, the person can still speak. Yay anti-logic!

Before I go on to talk about what, for me, is the penultimate asinine, OMDG, WTF, scene, let me discuss the only decent thing here. Deborah Reed plays the queen of the Goblins, looking like a vamped up, goth, Helena Bonham Carter, and chewing the scenery like no others. Clearly thinking this was some sort of farce, which it could have easily been mistaken for, she's the only one to go so over the top, so out there, that the film actual livens up whenever she's on screen.

Now, once you read this, there is no unreading it. You have been warned. In order to get some more food for her precious minions, the Queen goes to the RV, and seduces the dumbass friend of the dumbass boyfriend of Holly. She seduces him with a slinky, long slit, black dress, and corn on the cob. She's rubbing it all over her bare leg, before going inside, during which the dumbass guy says, "Well, I always liked popcorn." Which makes no sense, because there was no popcorn in sight. But then, as if out of nowhere, popcorn starts raining down, inside the RV. All while some of the sloppy, most disgusting kisses are being exchanged.

I swear to the powers that be, it's as funny and mortifying as it sounds. It almost makes the whole thing worth it.

Before I conclude, allow me to talk about paper mache. More accurately, the very obviously fake, truly awful paper mache masks. Looking like they were all made by 3rd graders in beginning art class, the masks are a hoot and a half all by themselves. The mouths barely open, so the 'eating' the Goblins partake in is just the actors put their gel filled hands to their mouths, no chewing or swallowing. They wear what appear to be brown potato sacks as shirts, with a bit of rope as a belt. It's all so bad looking, it makes me sad.

This movie is terrible, terrible, terrible. Dumb, nonsensical, and a front to all that movies are meant to be, like coherent, but, it makes for one helluva of a drinking game, or if you love the irresistible allure of total trash, and laughing more than most modern comedies allow, catch this crapfest out.