Review of Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) by Gabriel G — 26 Jan 2018

Fuck you Micheal Bay. Fuck you Mark Wahlberg. Fuck you British Megan Fox. As much as it hurts my heart to say it, fuck you SIR Anthony Hopkins. And for good measure, fuck you Micheal Bay.

So, I was never a huge Transformers fan even though I grew up 80's surrounded by it (thanks TMNT!). I didn't really get into it until the CGI show Beast Wars. Even though I had no real connection with the original, I actually really liked the first Transformers movie. The characters were pretty well written, the story wasn't that bad, and it was a good action movie. I somewhat cared about the characters and walked out of the theater pretty happy with what I watched and kinds looked forward to the next one.

The second I kind of gave a pass to because it was written and filmed during the Hollywood writers strike so I gave the lackluster writing and somewhat convoluted story down to inexperienced writers doing "the best the could".

The third one kind of gave me hope because it was much better and the previous and, while the old "Micheal Bay" directions was wearing thin, I was still overall pretty happy with the fact that I got to watch robots beat the hell out of each other.

Now, I didn't think it could get much worse than Age of Extinction but hoooooolyyyyyyyyyyyy shit was I wrong. Now I had heard less than great reviews about the latest installment but I have a huge man boner for Anthony Hopkins and will watch everything he is in so I was kinda looking forward to it. My wife and I just finished The Last Knight (on of my kids got it for me for Christmas on blueray). Now, there have been very few times in my life where I was honestly angry at trying to watch something, and I went from pissed about halfway through the movie to in a downright rage by the end of, that my wife had a good laugh at watching me. An entire script of shitty one liners and lines that walk you through what you just fucking watched or was going to happen. An attempt to make every fucking thing funny. Shitty new robots that are likable in absolutely no way. I have written full fledged papers in college that I swear to god took less time than this neverending horror show. CGI that made the first one look like a fucking masterpiece of cinema. I have seen SYFY movies that have better storytelling than this piece of human shit.

The thing I am most pissed about is that this shitpile of a (I have a hard time calling it this but) movie has forever tainted my view of SIR Anthony Hopkins. It is almost so bad that it almost wiped the memory I had of him being Hannibal Lector. Yes. To me, he will be forever remembered as Hannibal Lector and that stupidass old fuck from Transformers. I go almost as far as to say they should de-knight him. Almost.

Everyone involved with this movie should be ashamed of themselves. EVERYONE!!!

I am going to the shooting range on Sunday and I now have a target. I don't think I am going to be happier to shoot anything in my life.