Review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) by Kevin G — 30 Jan 2015

Ok. It seems that the phrase of the day is "it's much better than Transformers 2." Well, so is my neighbours endoscopy footage, ok, the bar is not that high that we should cheer when something clears it. That being said, it is much better than Transformers 2. But it is still, when it comes down to it, exhaustingly long, scripted by what can only be a three year old and filled with characters so superficial they are almost transparent. And even though the last third of the film attempts to make up for it with what the kids these days are calling "awesomeness," if you are awake at this point in the film you'll realise that, a few moments aside, it's almost all been done before. Which begs the question: how in the hell can a trilogy devolve so far from a starting point which, whilst not groundbreaking, is certainly having a fair old crack at breaking everything else? .

First there are the plot holes, and there are more of them than you can even attempt to shake a stick at. For example, Megatron, purported to be the schemer/villain of the crew, decides to jump into the battle just as Optimus is on the verge of certain death. Why, in God's name why, wouldn't he wait five more seconds and kill two birds with one shotgun blast to the face? Another example, the Decepticons apparently had to wait for Sentinel before beginning their ludicrous plan (Doctor Who told us all that planets can't be next to each other without colliding), but Patrick Dempsey seems more than capable of arming the whole thing himself. I could definitely go on. And I will. Why does Optimus always arrive at the last moment? Can't he help during the fight or isn't that part of his contract? Why is Bumblebee more than capable of taking on at least four Decepticons when he feels like it but when the numbers are even he ends up on his knees? Why do the Decpticons begin killing most of Chicago's population when their end goal is for the human race to end up as their slaves? Why oh why did Ken Jeong have to be involved? Isn't Community fulfilling him enough? .

But I digress. To the acting. Shia LaBeouf continues his fast-talking faster thinking neurotic shtick from the previous two films here, but it feels tired, especially seeing as we're supposed to believe that his INSANELY hot girlfriend puts up with it and that he's grown up at least slightly since the first film. Speaking of girlfriends, next time, I don't care if Megan Fox compares Michael Bay to Hitler or actually paints a moustache on his face and shouts "HEIL!" at him repeatedly, don't replace the girl with a fracking Victoria's Secret model just because their tookus' look similar. Rosie looks like a mannequin and displays all the personality of one. The fact that she has almost nothing to do apart from look gorgeous the entire time doesn't help mask that fact, but couldn't someone have just bitten the bullet and made her character a mute? Josh Duhamel is back spouting rubbish with as much style as possible but his character is so paper thin he gets lift off when a strong wind starts up. Tyrese Gibson does the same without the style, yelling and waving guns around to no avail while his even more replacable squad gets all but wiped out. Thankfully there's still enough of them left to cram in a slow-motion after-battle walk with guns and sweat on full display. John Turturro's Simmons is shoehorned in once more as an eccentric recluse and his ridiculous performance is as frustrating and eye-rolling as the first two times. Besides the returning characters there is a band-wagon full of new characters waiting for their cut of the profit, a cast list including Patrick Dempsey, Frances McDormand, John Malkovich and Allan Tudyk. Wading through pages of shite, the new recruits get in and get out without making any sort of impression, with the exception of McDreamy himself who actually comes close to making some sort of a convincing bad guy. .

Then there's the plot. If you've ever seen a Michael Bay interview, you'll notice that there's very little mention of a character journey or a plot, but that everything revolves around "this cool thing that Megatron does" or how "awesome Bumblebee is." Needless to say, the time that has been spent on developing some form of plot at all is nothing compared to what's been spent on making Optimus look cool when he's using his awesome sword. Once again, the argument that I usually hear is that it was less convoluted than the second, but I refer you once again to my neighbour's endoscopy. Now that was convoluted. Despite a mildly intriguing beginning referencing the moon landing and Cybertron itself, the plot quickly transforms (ten points!) into some grotesque creature with uncountable twists and turns, none of which make any sense and all of which feel like they were only put there because of the momentary feeling of "holy crap" which the audience feels. It passes about as quickly as bad shellfish through a digestive system and feels just as painful after the first one. And while the plot may clearly be just a necessary intrusion on what is basically a movie trailer which runs for almost THREE HOURS (!!!!), is it too much to ask that we could have some sort of streamlining system? Apparently. .

And now to Mr. Bay himself. There is a lot of hate out there for dear Michael and with good reason. You can almost hear him giggling like a teenager who's just seen a pair of boobs for the first time as he shamelessly shows off barely-clad Victoria's Secret-sponsored naughty bits. In the same way you can hear him saying "phwoar!" as he makes his robots dance through the streets of Chicago and cause all sorts of nonsensical mayhem. And while it's true that there are few people in Hollywood who can show off a battle scene like he can, are the few truly great moments of action on display here enough to drag you kicking and screaming through the choppy exposition, vomit-inducing dialogue and sleep-inducing plotline? The answer, in short, is yes. .

The one truly great thing about the film is the fact that the only screens which are guaranteed to blow you away with action throughout the blockbuster season will be the ones which are playing Dark of the Moon. There's a big snake-y thing which destroys buildings, there's spine rippings, execution-style cannon blasts to the fact, para troopers diving out of doomed helicopters and whole heap of other junk to keep you in a constant state of 'ooo' for the last half hour of the film. The 3D adds to this as well giving the action extra depth and power. .

The original film had its good points. Sam was a great hero, relatable and funny, Megan Fox was hot and was more than slightly bad-ass and the plot contortions were kept to some sort of minimum. Number three shares very few of the good points of its originator and the fact is that, despite the "cool" factor of robots in disguise kicking ass and blowing stuff up, Michael Bay has once again succeeded in lowering the bar for the next mindless action film to come along. Not only that but, after Battle: Los Angeles, it seems that his Bay-alike numbers are growing. Hopefully someone will finally realise that they should just stop enabling him but until then, prepare yourselves for more and more mindless explosions to tide you over until something good comes along. And if anyone says, "it's just a bit of fun, you're judging it too harshly," I will have to beat them. And there will be nothing madcap or funny about it. .

Defining Scene: .

Anything other than the supreme stupidity that is so often on display. Probably the bit where the snake-y thing takes out the building. .