Review of Transformers (2007) by Seth S — 06 Jul 2014

With the unavoidable release of the inevitable Transformers: Age of Extinction barreling towards us, I decided to finally take the plunge and watch the original Transformers trilogy. I was interested in these movies back when they were being released, back when I thought that they would actually be ... good. Perhaps I have grown a wee bit cynical since then. Perhaps Michael Bay's name has become the punch-line of one too many jokes.

Transformers is not a good movie. It is far from it. There are so many things wrong with this film, it just dulls the senses - to the point that every enjoyable thing sticks out way more than it should. What would be simply mediocre in a better movie turns into something noteworthy in Transformers.

I could recap the story ... Autobots, Decepticons, explosions, Shia Labeouf before he had an allergic reaction to "fame," Megan Fox, Agent Aaron Pierce from 24, everyone significant being a 20-something, stupid parents, more explosions, hilariously bad choices, and so forth. If you honestly care about the story, just watch the movie.

Let's run through the rather extensive list of cons. Firstly, the script boasts some of the worst dialogue I have ever experienced. It also indulges in just about every cliche known to man (or to Autobot, apparently). The jokes are idiotic and they very rarely elicit anything more than a pained grimace. There's a joke about George Bush and Ding Dongs that is just face palmingly bad. It's painfully juvenile and adolescent. I guess it's adolescently juvenile, more accurately. A giant robot peeing on John Turturro does not pass as comedy in my book.

The story itself is decent enough. Nothing particularly memorable or worthy of a second thought. There are some ridiculously unbelievable events that move the story along.

How about the characters? Those are essential to a good movie. And Transformers fails colossally in its attempts to create plausible people. Shia Labeouf plays Sam Witwicky, the goofball hero of the movie. He is saddled with his fair share of the atrocious dialogue. And most annoyingly, Sam never comes off as sincere. There is a moment in the movie where he has an opportunity to say something heartfelt to Mikaela. But instead, he just throws out some posturing disingenuous remark. Even when he is being serious, you always have to wonder if he'll break out into some spazzing weirdness.

And speaking of Mikaela, Megan Fox provides the other starring performance. There is one line that she has to say that completely captures exactly the kind of stupidity that this movie revels in: "I guess I just have a weakness for hot guys, for tight abs and really big arms." I feel sorry for Megan Fox, I really do. She seems to have her head screwed on straight. She seems to be a lot more honest about the whole movie-star thing. In short, it seems like she deserves better than this. Her acting is decent here. As this was her first big movie, and with the terrible dialogue in mind, I'm willing to be lenient.

The supporting cast is ... whatever. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson play soldiers. They bring some much needed anchorage in what could have been a total cheese-fest. Duhamel is the better of the two. If the movie decided to focus on him - forget Sam - than this could have been a pretty solid film. Well, as solid as a Transformers movie could be. But Duhamel does not get the focus, and in turn, his character just feels out of place, like he shouldn't be taking all of this as seriously as he is.

Another thing that bugged me about the cast is the fact that nearly everyone important is way to young. Rachel Taylor plays Maggie, an analysts working for the government. And of course she's college age and gorgeous. Not only that, but she's the best at what she does. Because having a 45 year old man being the analyst who figures everything out wouldn't play well with the kiddies. Then there's Anthony Anderson's character, Glen. He's the obligatory obese nerd who lives with his mom. But, you guessed it, he's the best at what he does.

But enough about the characters, what about the action? Depending on how interested you are in Sam Witwicky's love life, the action could be the only reason you watch Transformers. And it's ... forgettable. At 144 minutes long, the battles clang away far longer than they should. Right before the main finale, there's a prolonged action scene in the "Section 7" military base. I was so worn out by that scene that by the time the true climax rolled around, I had already mentally clocked out. From that point forward, I was just passively watching actions on screen. But the action itself isn't "bad." Sure there are a couple instances where you can't tell who's a hero or who's a villain. But it's also a lot easier to follow than some would have you believe.

The direction by Michael Bay is competent. The weird thing about Bay is that his shot composition is very strong. He knows how to execute an action scene. He knows how to squeeze out every ounce of cinematic blockbuster grandness. So if he put his talents to good use, if he trimmed the fat, if he worked with a good script - I'm confident that he could make a great movie. But he does not put his undeniable talents to use here.

Ranking up there in Bay's long list of poor content inclusion decisions is the soundtrack. There are some hilariously cheesy musical choices in this movie! In the scene where Bumblebee revamps himself into a 2010 Camaro, "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" pounds out in the background. In a movie full of failed attempts at humor, it was refreshing to let out a genuine laugh, even if I wasn't supposed to.

But the music isn't all bad. Steve Jablonsky's score is above average, at least through the lens of a Michael Bay action movie. There's a power anthem ... a darn good one at that. I can't complain about Jablonsky's work here. It is exactly what the movie called for.

I've actually waffled on this movie quite a bit. On the one hand, it is pretty fun at times (in a completely mindless sort of way). With that in mind, I considered giving this movie a 6/10. But then I'd remember some offensively stupid joke, or the gargantuan run-time, or the unrealistic characters... At the end of the day, the fun moments aren't enough to outweigh the ton of bad in Transformers.

"We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting." 4/10.