Review of Total Recall (2012) by Emod L — 04 May 2014

25%.

No.

"Total Retard" is the latest comedy film directed by Michael Bay. Or something.

In this movie, which serves as a remake to the much superior 1990 film starring Arny, Collin Ferrel plays a character who never solves anything the entire movie. We never learn who he really is, and it's disappointing. So let's dive into this analysis.

#1 The Characters. Firstly, their names are EXACTLY like those in the original, and this kind of rubbed me the wrong way because, yes it's a remake, but if you're going to remake a classic (which you REALLY REALLY SHOULDN'T) you're going to have to change more than what the future would look like and what SFX you would use.

It's not just their names that bother me, though. It's the way they act. Every other action they do is completely out of order, and out of character. Nothing makes any sense with these people.

I didn't like any of the characters, least of all Ferrel's (unidentified) character, since we never even get to know who he actually is.

Jessica Biel plays a woman who isn't even attractive; all she does is cry and get into life-threatening situations as a basis for Ferrel to save her and later have sexual intercourse with her.

Meanwhile, Beckinsale is just another excuse to have a big ass on the screen. First she has an American accent in the first 20 minutes or so, then she has a terrible fake British accent for the rest of this suck fest of a movie. Kate, really, you need to grow out of your Underworld character. It's honestly getting old. Your Transylvanian accent was better...

#2 The Dialogue. Half of the spoken words are cliched--even for a remake! It felt like a film project conducted by a bunch of 20-year-old amateurs in film school. Some of it was kind of passable, but lots of it just made me laugh out loud, for real. The people I was watching it with thought I was listening to a comedy podcast or something. No guys, I was wide and awake, and watching the movie. From the very first scene I could tell this movie was gonna go downhill: from the very first line of dialogue I could tell this was going to be a movie about running. Shit.

Which brings to point #3: The story beats. This is literally the format:

1. 20 minutes: establish Ferrel's character, his life, yadda yadda yadda. Goes to recall because he's a selfish bastard who only cares about his dreams.

2. 10 minutes: Action sequence with SWAT team.

3. 5 minutes: Finds out his wife is a spy.

4. 10 minutes: Rooftop chase sequence.

5. 5 minutes: He escapes, gets call from someone we don't even get to know or care about.

6. 10 minutes: Long-ass car chase sequence that amounts to nothing.

7. 10 minutes: Apartment sequence.

8. 5 minutes: Meets Harry who tries to convince of something that amounts to nothing in the end. I actually thought this was the climax at first. And it would have made a good one too, since it's the only scene I found engaging. But no. They screwed that up too.

9. 15 minutes: Meets Mathais/Resistance. So this is probably the longest beat between action since the beginning, and it's very boring. Nothing substantial happens.

10. 5 minutes: Escapes. zzzzzzzz.

11. 20 minutes: Boring ass climax with 120 endings. Kate, just fucking die already! Why didn't she die in the fire? It would have been so much more entertaining.

12. 5 minutes: Best part of the movie: End credits.

That was the whole movie. So literally half this movie was action sequences that could have been toned down by 50%. Then this movie would probably be...hold on let me get my calculator...82.5 minutes. So that +, say, 5.5 minutes of end credits = 88 minutes. That's how long this movie deserved to be. But no! In fact it's even longer than the 113-minute original! God dammit!

#4. The plot. You know what, never mind, let's just skip this one.

So, Hollywood, have you learned your lesson yet?