Review of Total Recall (2012) by Meritcoba — 24 May 2016

It is an uphill battle for the cast to salvage a dreadful plot that is so full of holes that the movie makes water before it is well underway and sinks barely out of the port. Colin Farrell plays a desperate Bond and Kate Beckinsale a killer so determined out for his blood that I had expected(and hoped) that she actually would turn out to be a robot programmed to off him(Terminatrix). They both throw in all they got to make this movie an event and you get bombarded by action sequences and nice visuals that reminds of Blade Runner and other near-future movies..

Even the story isn't too bad, although run-of-the-mill and therefore predictable and thus very early into the movie you already know who and what Farrell is. But oh my, oh my what a bad plot. Just a few examples. When Colin is chased by the cops he manages to shake pursuit and falls onto a driveway where he gets saved by Jessica Biel. How she knew he was there isn't explained. But it gets even worse, for after she has picked up Farrell unnoticed by the police, the police somehow knows that she has Farrell in her car and pursues her. Another example: when Farrell is captured by soldiers the main bad dude orders him killed, but instead of having his troops open fire right then and there, he orders Beckinsale to do it. But she is somewhere else and has to make her way to where Farrell is, thus giving Farrell time to escape. And this kind of thing happens more than once. A continuous series of lucky breaks and turns makes that Farrell escape them and death.

The main story stands and falls with a total suspense of disbelief. Earth has become uninhabitable but for two spots. One being Great Britain and surrounding territories and the other being Australia. The two are connected by a long tube drilled straight through the core of the earth with all the problems that entails. But even that can be swallowed if it were not for the fact that the plot turns around one side invading the other through that tube. So what is keeping the invaded part from just blocking their side? It just needs a lot or rubble and debris to do that as the tube goes straight down so gravity will do the rest. So nothing really and thus the whole story has lost its reason to be..

Otherwise the movie is a great bore. There is no humor at all and no wit either and the attempt of Bill Nighy at saying something profound to Farrell sounds like stammered ramblings of an old geezer overdosed on medicine. This scene is hilarious for Farrell and Nighy have just met a few minutes before and Nighy starts to crank out supposed sage advise at Farrell about his condition while he hardly knows him, at least not that Farrell. His role in the movie is total superfluous otherwise and could have been left out. Beside this weak attempt at something profound the subject of what is real and not real, something that fascinated P. K. Dick, the writer of the story this movie is based upon, is no longer mentioned or used. So expect no surprises or twists along those lines.

The final fight between Farrell and the main bad dude Cranston is both nonsensical and underwhelming. Farrell, beaten up, tied with one hand behind his back, blind folded and limping on one feet could beat the thirty odd years older Cranston hands down. Come on people, he is no Darth Vader. Instead they could have had Beckinsale and Farrell slog it out in some kind of epic showdown, as their final confrontation is basically botched.

This movie will without a doubt go down history as the lesser one(and that is saying something) and allow for jokes about forgetting bad movies. If you want to see a better Total Recall, you know where to look.

A plea for you. I know bad movies like these are excused along the lines of: it is just a popcorn movie. But consider this. You pay for these movies and this movie is bad for the lack of a good written plot. If you do not demand better, you will get these bad movies. It is your money, ask your moneys worth.