Review of Top Gun (1986) by Diego T — 17 Feb 2014

"I feel the need... the need for speed.".

Top Gun is a difficult movie to judge, because parts of it have become incredibly ingrained in pop culture and are, surprisingly, quite good. Of course, this being a Tom Cruise movie, other parts are just laughably bad. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy watching this utterly mindless exercise in commercialized patriotism, but that doesn't mean it's in any way a good movie. This film may be fun, but it's fun in the worst way, creating its own little world in which America is number one no matter what, Kenny Loggins plays whenever someone rides a motorcycle, and Tom Cruise is cool. It has its moments, but they are few, and the bad fully outweighs the good.

Cruise stars as Maverick, a navy fighter pilot who is referred to by his callsign, even in social circles. So now you should know just what kind of movie this is. Half of it is Tom Cruise cruising (no pun intended) around in his F-15, and the other half is a hilariously bland romance between him and Kelly McGillis, who plays the role of Tom Cruise's Generic Blonde Girlfriend expertly. But she also has a tough and independent side, exemplified by the fact that she wears a leather jacket in one scene! Wow! So cool. I don't approve of Man of Steel, but if you're going to talk "dick measuring," talk about this movie. It is such a quintessential 80s macho fantasy in every way, from the ear-crushingly bad music to the aviators that Cruise applies to his face dramatically at the end of every scene. I have felt more emotional attachment to fighter jet training reels.

Actually, the scenes in the air are quite good. The movie is almost an 80s version of Gravity, in the sense that it creates the aura of what it's like to do a death-defying job, specifically thousands of feet above the surface of the Earth. And, much like Gravity, that's the only thing it actually has going for it. The death-defying stunts are awesome, but they're also ludicrous, and we're never given the slightest explanation as to who they're fighting against. At the end, there's a showdown between Cruise and "the enemy." Who the hell is "the enemy?" Oh, right-- COMMUNISTS!!! YEAAAAH!!! AMERICA!!! FUCK YEAH!!! PEW PEW PEW!!! Still, the dizzying shots of the fighter jets in the sky were impressive back in 1986, and they actually hold up quite well today.

However, when the characters touch down is when the movie starts losing its edge. Firstly, there's a lot of weird homoeroticism in this movie. And no, that's not just me being squeamish-- This is a matter of record. There are dozens of shots of oiled-up shirtless dudes playing volleyball, sitting around in the locker room, and making weird double entendre comments about each other. This kind of thing would be expected if the movie was about the 1930s, when nine out of ten Americans were homosexual, but it's a little weird and unsettling given the environment it's set in. Cruise's bromance with his buddy is just awkward as hell, leading to some unintentionally hilarious moments that rival The Wicker Man in terms of bad dialogue and even worse acting. Still, not all the dialogue is generic crap... just most of it. A lot of the characters speak in nothing but cliches: "You'd better clean up your act!" "You're too reckless!" "It wasn't your fault!" The movie follows such a predictable arc that you can literally plot out the next scene before it even happens. "Okay, this is the scene where the hero chokes momentarily, but overcomes his past failures to save the day. Hey, look! I was right.".

The romance between Cruise and McGillis is not even remotely believable, and the writers knew this, because they threw her lines like "I don't want them to know that I've fallen for you." Sorry, but randomly singing off-key to girls at bars does not get you laid. That's just not a fact. And when the two of them talk, they throw in a bunch of random and laughably concocted piloting references, just to remind the audience that yes, there will be an action sequence soon enough. I half expected Cruise to yell out things like "Oh yeah baby, missiles are locked and ready to fire!" while having sex with her. I can't stress enough how poorly written this movie is, even for a bad 80s action flick, so I'll stop trying. Suffice it to say that not one line spoken throughout the movie is even close to being realistic.

Final Score for Top Gun: 4/10 stars. So after this excessively negative review, why give it a whole four stars? Well, this movie is fun. It's just endlessly, endlessly fun. And I don't mean just as the ultimate jet-flying, motorcycle-riding, Danger Zone-themed, denim-wearing, all-American male fantasy. It's also hilariously bad. The end scene has Cruise throw his dog tags into the ocean. Holy shit! How many movies have we SEEN that in by now? A hundred? More? I couldn't stop laughing throughout this incredibly stupid, vapid, shallow, and emotionless action flick, and I love it for that. It's the ultimate guilty pleasure, and it's got it all. Turn off your brain and have fun with it, or analyze its retardation to death. Either way, I guarantee that good times will be had.