Review of TMNT (2007) by Carlos G — 17 Jun 2015

Call me an oldschool fanboy all you like, but this movie completely sucks compared to the original films.

I'm sorry, but... Raphael donning a gritty Dark Knight Batman suit and fighting crime as a vigilante when HE ALREADY IS A NINJA VIGILANTE makes no fucking sense to me. It's like if Batman put Superman's costume on over his and says he's going to go fight crime. HELLO! YOU'RE ALREADY A CRIME-FIGHTER!

And don't try to spin that "their crime-fighting days are over" BS. That also makes no sense. Why would they stop fighting crime in favor of... getting JOBS?! No, seriously... JOBS. What do they need money for, other than stuffing their face with pizza? It was implied that April covered many of their monetary costs in previous installments and sometimes in the original 89's/90's cartoon (although sometimes they came up with unexplained cash by just pulling it out of their ass. I think that was bad writing back then, though).

Splinter's voice... it's like my childhood getting murdered. I don't care who Mako is. He's a TERRIBLE Splinter. I've never heard a worse Splinter voice. Love on Mako all you want. That doesn't make him a good Splinter.

The one saving grace I can kind of get behind is Donatello finally working with gadgets and machines. In the previous 90s films, you almost never saw him around a machine. He was just another Michelangelo. But now he lives up to "Donatello does machines." That was pretty much his whole personality in the show/comic. It only makes sense to give him that trait.

Lastly... the visuals. They make me want to throw up. I'd rather watch the grim, slow-paced original Turtles film than this hyperactive video game cutscene bullshit. If I wanted to play a Ninja Turtles game, I'd do that. This is a movie. It should be about story and characters, not action sequences. The original Turtle movies had their share of fights scenes, too, but those were actually fun to watch. It wasn't a blur, like someone threw turtles and monsters into a blender and hit high speed.

And since when is April O'Neil some anorexic 20-year-old who wears tube tops? I must have missed that during... all of Turtle history.

Piece of garbage that belongs in a sewer... a sewer where the real Turtles live so they can shiv it to death.