Review of Three and Out (2008) by Deborah P — 26 Apr 2008

Three and Out is the kind of movie that us amateur critics absolutely crave - The kind of movie that is so mind-blowingly rotten that it's difficult to know where to start our citicisms and nearly impossible to finish listing them. This must be how it feels when a lion sees a wounded baby gazelle.

I will, however, try to maintain my composure and write a half-comprehensible review. Let's start with the premise - It's unspeakably evil and absolutely ghastly, making light of a stiuation that must be the worst nightmare of train drivers across the world. And to make matters worse, none of the characters in the film seem to be particularly bothered that an unusually stoic MacKenzie Crook has killed two people in a month. Even worse is that Crook himself (I can't remember the character's name and don't have the interest to look it up) doesn't seem the least bit shook up, putting the deaths across as more of an irritance than, you know, the fact that TWO PEOPLE DIED.

So, by the time that Crook's character decides to find a suicidal stranger to jump under his train in order to activate a little-known rule in his contract that will pay him off handsomely (how I wish I was making this up), it's already far too late for his character to be relatable, let alone redeemed for what he's done already. This is when he stumbles upon Colm Meany, a fine actor in an absolutely thankless role, who agrees to Crook's proposal and... You know what, you've probably lost interest by now.

So, what we've got is a horrible premise and an utter bastard for a main character. What could make this film worse? How about an utterly witless, completely reprehensible script, no-effort supporting roles and incompetant direction? Still not enough? In one scene, you see a cameraman's reflection in a mirror, a very good sum-up of just how completely and utterly fucking hopeless this Godawful abortion of a movie really is.

Three and Out is worse than Pathology. It's worse than Awake. It is a misfire of absolutely gargantuan proportions that fails on every single level. I absolutely cannot stress how far away you should stay away from it enough. It almost ended my pasison for film. If one pearl can be found amongst the shit, it's that if this unholy thing can find funding, so can anything. Maybe I'll write a script about a microjet pilot who keeps crashing his planes and killing his passengers. It will star Martin Freeman and Bill Nighy and will find a distibutor fairly easily, I'm sure.