Review of Thor: Ragnarok (2017) by R1Anmadden09 — 27 Jan 2018

This is the highest rated marvel movie. Above the fantastic Iron Man 1 and Winter Soldier, and above the solid Dr. Strange, Homecoming, and Guardians 1. I have no idea why. This movie sucked. The humor falls flat more than it lands and even when it does land it still isn't that funny.

Justice League, directed by Zack F*cking Snyder, was funnier than this. Seeing the sheer number of people saying that playing serious moments for jokes is a positive gave me an aneurysm. It's not a positive.

It's a cheap, cop-out way to engage the audience since they know they don't have the talent or effort to make us care about anyone in this movie, so the best the best they can do is make a "randem" joke.

And since everyone has a hard-on for Marvel, they just give them a pass for this and say that it's part of their genius. There were a few parts that made me chuckle. But I don't remember what the jokes were or who said them.

Don't think I'm just being a stick in the mud. The humor in Iron Man, Avengers 1, Winter Soldier, Guardians 1, and Homecoming was spot on for me. Ant-man is up there as well, so I'm not one of these brooding sh*tstains who like everything joyless and depressing.

This movie looks like absolute garbage. The colors don't pop, everything looks flat and bland and has this weird vomit grey look to it. It's what I would imagine if the grey sh*t in the Krabby O'Monday's patties seeped into the bun and tainted the color.

Everything in this movie is so overly slick and textureless it would make George Lucas blush. The Geico commercial where the captain forgets his keys is comparable to the CGI in this movie, only the costume designs in this movie are slightly better.

The story is garbage as well. It opens with Thor in prison where, surprise, they repeat the same terrible joke 5 times. He escapes and confronts Loki who is posing as Odin. BTW if you haven't seen the last terrible Thor movie you will have no idea what's happening.

He takes Loki to Earth after learning Loki put him in a home, where they meet Dr. Strange, in the most pointless cameos I've ever seen, who knows where Odin is. They go to Odin and he dies for reasons I can't seem to remember.

His death frees Hela, yet another garbage throwaway Marvel villain. She's mad because she thinks Asgard his hers. What an original and compelling motivation for the main villain and it doesn't help that her acting and delivery is garbage as well.

Thor somehow gets sucked into a wormhole and imprisoned in Jeff Goldblum world, where we can all XD at his funny faces and gay voice. Before he fights Hulk, Thor meets a troll and a rock person who make some jokes and do nothing else the whole movie.

After fighting, Thor and Hulk are imprisoned and have some banter so offensively mediocre that the only joke I remember is the one about fire, and that's only because I've seen the trailer so many times.

They meet Tessa Thompson, a Valkerie, or ancient warrior of Asgard who is the sole survivor of Hela's attack way back in ancient Asgard. We see this attack, in a battle scene full of such awful CGI that it's actually f*cking hilarious.

She is on Goldblum planet, drinking away because she is done. Try to guess if she stays here or decides to help them. They steal Jeff Goldblum's ship that he has gay orgies on; I'm serious, they make that joke like 3 times cause it's so funny and randem that Jeff Goldblum has gay orgies.

And also Loki tries to doublecross thor but thor sees it coming and memes him. I can't be f*cked to remember why this happened. I'm sure it was incredibly integral to the plot and had lots of emotional weight and character development.

They go back to Asgard for some more funny memes such as when Bruce Banner jumps out of a ship and falls on his face because he didn't transfer into Hulk in time. The final battle is so awful it makes the Battle of Naboo look like The Two Towers.

It is so underwhelming the only thing I remember is when bald Eomer changed sides and used machine guns to help Thor, only to die immediately after. When the best part of your science fiction, fantasy, norse god comic book movie, is bald Eomer using redneck machine guns to kill sh*tty looking Army of Dead from LOTR, then you have f*cked up.

Thor gets his eye jabbed out and it looks like someone took a sh*t in their hand and smeared it over his eye. Look up Thor's eye, then look up Carl from Walking Dead's eye, and see which one looks better.

Marvel, you let cable TV outdo you in makeup. Great job. I was trying to like this movie. After hearing from everyone about how awesome it was. But I didn't care, laugh, or feel invested hardly at all while I was watching & just thinking about it makes me never want to watch it again.

The more I think about Iron Man 1 or Winter Soldier, the more I like them, and that is the sign of a great movie. There is no way this is better than those. This ranks down with Thor 2, Iron Man 2, and Guardians 2 as the most frustratingly awful Marvel movies.