Review of Thor (2011) by Alex M — 25 Apr 2014

*MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU SHOULD NOT CARE BECAUSE THIS MOVIE SUCKS BUT I SHALL WARN YOU ANYWAYS.*.

I'm confused. This movie is about the Norse god Thor and 95% of it takes place in a fucking desert where NOTHING happens. Just some shitty humor and not so witty dialogue. I honestly think a Hawkeye movie would've been more entertaining than this drivel.

This is the definition of an obligatory movie and boy does it show. And honestly, were we really supposed to believe that Thor had some life changing epiphany all because he got super horny over Natalie Portman? So now we live in a world where "Fuck, I'd do anything to nail that chick," is the same thing as "I must protect this planet that I have been on for a day." And seriously, he's in the middle of a fucking desert and for absolutely no logical reason at all, he decides, "Yeah, I like this place. I'm gonna make it my life's duty to protect it." No. I didn't buy it. You didn't buy it. Chris Hemsworth probably didn't even buy it.

Should I even mention Loki's plan? It's fucking stupid, I'll tell you that. Just imagine that at the end of Lord of the Rings, Sauron decides that he wants to kill all of the Orcs and for some reason, Frodo and the rest of the gang try to stop him. Yeah, there's these Frost Giants that are major assholes throughout the movie, but when Loki has the chance to wipe them out, Thor decides to save them. Okay, there's a couple problems:

1. The audience does not care about Frost Giants. Why should they? The movie goes out of its way to show how unlikable these fucktards are, so we have no reason to feel sympathy for them.

2. Which brings me to my next point: If the audience doesn't care, then there's no tension. In any great movie where our hero has to take out the villain, the tension is nail-biting because the stakes matter. It doesn't matter what the situation is: a hi-jacking, a bank hold up, a bomb threat, etc. The reason that that the audience is invested in how the movie will turn out is because there are human lives at risk. That's why Thor doesn't work. The people that are in danger are fucking FROST GIANTS. You know, the ones that have repeatedly tried to kill Odin and steal shit from his house? Why should anyone care if those bastards live or die? I don't care, you don't care. And Thor actually destroys the bridge that can send him back to earth (which he supposedly "loves," at this point) and his woman all to save some fucking frost giants.

Ugh, people actually like this movie?! I could go on, but thinking about this crap just makes me nauseous.

1/10.