Review of The Witch (2016) by Rvwfromuphere — 08 Mar 2016

I am going to walk through the entire movie and explain everything that actually happens. Based on reading this, it is unlikely you will have a desire to see this movie, so stop here if you so wish, or just take my word for it that this movie is definitely worth a watch.

Okay, here is The Witch at face value. The movie starts with a family of 7 being kicked out of a puritan community because...well I have no idea why they were kicked out, they speak in this crazy language that sounds like drunk Shakespeare.

Dost thou barter a pic sixpense for me ninny? Is something that was said during this movie. So the family drives this wagon (that totally looks like it's going to fall over) out of Jamestown or Boston or some s*** and drive it to a field where they're gonna start new lives.

The father builds a house and other manly s*** while the daughter plays peekaboo with the family baby. She closes her eye for like 4 seconds and loses the baby. Horrible babysitter. The family moves on, because you know, back in those days like 80% of babies died.

Anyway, The father and eldest son go hunting and try to shoot a rabbit, but the rabbit looks at them menacingly and his gun jams and something flies in his eyes, which are unaffected for the rest of the film.

Then the boy and father get home and the two youngest children are playing with the family goat. The next morning the boy wants to go hunting but his older sister won't let him go alone and so she goes with him.

After like a mile the girl falls off of the family horse and the boy goes on without her and makes out with this hot but clearly evil woman who came out of a tree. The girl wakes up and runs home to tell the family, later that night the boy teleports back to the home completely naked.

The eldest daughter is accused of being a witch because the naked boy who was left out in the rain won't wake up. Then he wakes up and it turns out he was just choking on a gross apple. Then he re enacts what would appear to be an entire performance of Macbeth before dying.

The Father thinks a witch killed his son and does what every rational parent would do, and locks every one of his 3 remaining children in sheds outside. He then stays outside and prays while eating dirt.

Meanwhile, a crow goes in to motor boat the mother. Morning comes, the family goat kills the father, the two youngest children vanish and the mother tries to kill her only remaining child. The eldest daughter stabs the mother, goes to nap in a shed, wakes up to talk to the devil, then goes into the woods where tons of tastefully nude women are dancing and flying.

The end. That's the movie, but you have to believe me...it's worth a watch.