Review of The Wicker Man (2006) by Brian C — 27 Jun 2009

I Must Have Seen a Worse Movie at Some Point.

Oh, man, where to start? A long time ago, Graham wheedled me into seeing [i]The Medallion[/i] with him. I still think it's a worse movie, because it wasn't as funny as this was. Though, of course, this wasn't trying to be funny at all. However, it was absolutely bloody hilarious. Especially given that I watched it among friends who were willing to laugh with me and MST the hell out of it as it so richly deserved. The best moment for us was a shot where Nicolas Cage opens some random door and sees something that provoked one of the best Eddie Izzard quotes available--"I like my coffee like I like my women--covered in bees!" We spent a lot of time narrating thought processes, which was fun and easy. We talked a great deal about jurisdiction and how he did not in so many words have any. We talked about the difficulty that is pouring bees anywhere. (Yes. Pouring bees. In the "shocking alternate ending," they put this little mesh helmet-y thing on Nicolas Cage and pour bees into it. Per the commentary, this was his idea. Proving once again that not all actors should be allowed to write.) In short, a good time was had by all. But shock and suspense? Yeah, not so much.

Seven years before the story begins, Nicolas Cage (his character has a name, but who cares?) had a girlfriend who ran off on him. Even less time before the story begins, he watched some woman and her kid get plowed into by a truck, which caused their car to spontaneously burst into flame and then explode in a ridiculous, Hollywood way. So he's all traumatized and so forth. And then he gets a message from Willow, the ex-girlfriend (Kate Beahan), saying that her daughter has disappeared, and can he please come to the mysterious island in Washington where she lives and find her? So this California police officer treks up into the scenic San Juans and ends up dealing in intrigue with a crazy Pagan sect from an ancient Celtic tradition. And things are supposed to be vaguely horrifying from there, but are instead insanely laughable.

As Other-Brandon, as in not Heather-and, put it, this film leaves you with many questions. First among them is "Why am I watching this?" Quickly followed by "Did I spend money on it? If so, why? Will I ever get these two hours back? Why did Nicolas Cage think you can pour bees, and why did they go along with him about it? Why is he punching all these women? Does he enjoy it? Does no one get the sexual politics involved? Can Molly Parker and Ellen Burstyn not find better roles? Not even Leelee Sobiesky? Who is that woman covered in bees? Don't I have something better to do? Why aren't I finding something better to do? Is my car okay? Maybe I should just go check on it. Isn't that more important? Isn't practically everything more important? What can I be doing? Wait, did he just put on a bear suit? Why is he in a bear suit? What's going on? Why is this happening? What cruel God created this movie?" Some of these questions are out of order, but you get the idea.

Supposedly, the film takes some 80% of its dialogue from the original, though I've seen it implied that the order has been switched around lot. I will also note that some of the important symbolism is missing, because what isn't the same is that ending. The ending of the original, not that I've seen the original, shows in its own way the conflict between the old religion and the new. After all, depending on whom you believe, the actual titular wicker man is an old Pagan tradition for renewing the people's contract with the land. (Hence my uncertainty that they'd combine the sacrifices of chickens and goats with the sacrifice of a man. It seems like something of which the Gods would disapprove.) This rite requires a different sacrifice than expected, but at any rate, Nicolas Cage doesn't seem to have any belief structure at all, not the conflicting one which makes the end of the previous movie (I have seen this clip) so chillingly effective. What we get here is Nicolas Cage being burned to death (this is hardly a spoiler at this point) for reasons that have nothing to do with his own beliefs, just his own stupidity.

Gods know there's plenty of stupidity to go 'round in this movie. We actually talked about how the scenery of Washington state had been in better movies, not just those actresses (mostly) whom we knew. The costumes were mostly silly, but there were one or two of those which deserved better movies, too. (Nicolas Cage's jacket has inexplicable elbow patches which never seem to match up to his actual elbows.) Willow's hair at the end, I thought, was quite lovely, though she herself kind of looked like an alien. But a beautiful one. But Nicolas Cage goes tramping all over the island with no jurisdiction but threatening the power of the law on these women. Leelee Sobiesky is at the end wearing inexplicable bright blue fake fur, despite the care shown to all the other costumes. They may not reliably be attractive, but they do seem to be things mostly able to be acquired by people living simple lives on an island. Also things that look like real animals. (Actually, as they marched past, I said, "Hey, it's Procession!") The film is dedicated to Johnny Ramone, because he introduced Nicolas Cage to the original movie. Whatever else he had done in his life, this is a mistake for which he should have atoned.