Review of The Wicker Man (2006) by Evan K — 10 Nov 2013

It's Nic Cage November, so I'll be reviewing several Cage classics, including this little gem of a film. One so notoriously bad, that it's actually good. And really, it's all because of Cage, yet again. The man can make anything watchable.

This is a remake of a 60's film of the same title, which was actually a legitimately good movie. This remake, or "remagining", I should say, takes the basic premise of the original, which is a cop gets called to a remote island to investigate the disappearance of a child, and things don't turn out the way he planned. Spoiler, he becomes a sacrifice to Pagan Gods in a giant wicker structure, in the shape of a person. Hence the title. Here, in writer/director Neil LaBute's version, same basic concept, except here, he seems to have a misogynistic agenda. Every woman in the film is evil. For the exception of a waitress in the film's very beginning, each and every woman is out to kill Cage. Which makes the film's plot very confusing towards the end, and ultimately quite comical in it's sheer retardery.

The plot starts when Cage's character, a cop, witnesses the psychologically damaging death of a young girl and her mother in a car explosion after being hit by an out of control truck. Now, this is where shit gets confusing. These two characters, the girl and her mother SURVIVE this, and we see them on Summerisle at the film's climax. Huh? Was Cage drugged in his salad at the diner? Was the waitress part of their operation after all? Who fucking knows. Anyways, Cage has PTSD and takes time off work, but is visited by a female cop(another woman who is out for Cage's blood) who brings him his mail, including a mysterious letter from an old fiance who ran out on him. He reads and see's that she has been missing her daughter for two weeks, and needs his help. Yeah, like a California cop is gonna have any jurisdiction in Washington. So he goes, despite his buddy at the station suggesting he "give her a caaall" first, and hitches a ride with a harbor pilot who makes deliveries to Summersisle. This man risks his job(and his life) for a measly $100 to take Cage to the forbidden island of evil women.

The plot gets more and more convoluted as it progresses, to when we reach the film's climax, we aren't shocked. We're scratching our heads as to how ridiculous this scheme of getting Cage's character to the island is. If you think about it, it really makes zero sense. Was the fucking truck driver who crashed also part of this? Again...who fucking knows. So the twist, is that the missing girl is Cage's daughter(no surprise there), but that he was chosen by his fiance to become a future sacrifice if needed. So when shit went south for the island's crops, they looked back on their catalog of potential sacrifices and selected Cage, and came up with the harebrained scheme of getting him there. It's one of the worst plots ever.

Cage's performance here isn't as batshit insane as some of his others, but his delivery of his shit dialogue is what's great. As he first comes upon Summersisle, he see's a couple of guys holding a sack dripping blood(in the director's commentary, it's revealed there is a midget in the sack). Cage awkwardly says "what's in the bag? A shark or something"? Classic Cage line. Also, once you see the climatic unrated version ending, apparently, too shocking for theaters, you'll be a changed person. Cage is being prepped for sacrifice(whoops, spoilers), and after his legs are broken, a netted funnel like helmet is put on his head as he screams "WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT". Then a man proceeds to pour bees into the helmet's funnel, as Cages screams at the top of his lungs "NO...NO, NOT THE BEES!!! AAGGHHH MY EYES!! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!! AGGHHH!!! KHDJHDKJKJSKNNJ". It's truly one of cinema's golden moments. And who doesn't love Nic Cage running around punching women while wearing a bear suit?

Now, there are some aspects apart from Cage that I thought were alright. The film's score was decent. And the cinematography was pretty good. A rarity in movies of this kind. The acting isn't terrible either. But nobody is really good. Except for Cage, of course! The main issue with this film lies in it's script. But another issue the film has is in some of it's poor editing choices. An example of this is when Cage is going nuts riding around the island on his bike looking for his daughter. He parks the bike by leaning it on a bush. But there is no shot of this. You just see him kind of toss the bike down and run off. Later, he comes back to retrieve it, and there is a shot of a bush. Some people may wonder, what's with the ominous music queue and the random shot of a bush? Well, the shot was meant to show his bike was taken. If there had been a shot of the bike leaning on the bush before, this confusion wouldn't have happened.

Anyways, Wicker Man is a terrible film with a misogynistic agenda(LaBute apparently is known for this in previous films), but it is given life and watchability because of Cage.

Final score: 4/10. For the same reasoning as Deadfall. Cage makes the film.