Review of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) by Tyler R — 24 Jul 2012

The cinematic torture continues. In the third installment of the overly-pretentious Twilight series, some chick wants revenge for what Edward did to that one bad guy at the end of the first movie and not the werewolves and vampires have to join sides to fight the Volturi.

Normally, when one thinks of vampires and werewolves joining sides to fight, the first thing that comes to mind is a badass movie. Instead, anything that could've been epic was destroyed by being part of this movie.

There's also a love triangle going on and it's between tinker bell (Edward), shark boy (Jacob) and the girl with no personality. (Bella) Bella has to choose between Edward and Jacob and that makes the movie nothing more or less than a will-she-or-won't-she story.

One thing that's certain is that Bella is one of the most annoying characters ever. She's a whiny, spoiled, overly-dramatic, dull, needy bitch. She constantly goes on about how she loves Edward more than he loves his own hair, yet she's going around kissing Jacob.

When it all comes down to things, Bella is pretty much responsible for all the drama in this series, all because she's a whore. I also stand by saying that she is way too dramatic. Whenever she's kissed, she gasps loudly.

Whenever she gets slightly touched, she gasps loudly. Whenever she sees the tiniest amount of blood, she gasps loudly. I bet you anything she'd have a heart attack if somebody told her that her shoe was untied.

The first half of the movie is nothing but time filler. Nothing happens except for a poorly played out romance and we still have to deal with a bunch of boring-ass characters and shitty acting. Seriously, what is it going to take to get Kristen Stewart to show some emotion? She just has this blank stare in every single scene she's in and her voice is just a monotonous device to put someone to sleep.

Pattinson is just as dull as her and Lautner is the one who shows to much emotion. Every scene he's in he has this look: >:( I'd like to say that this movie has plot holes, but it would actually require a plot in the first place so I'll just say that this plot-less movie is riddled with inconsistencies.

One is the fact that everybody is willing to die for Bella, the girl who has yet to do anything for anybody. The idea of Edward always doing a bunch of stupid stuff for a annoying person like Bella is just unbelievable.

An example of that would be if Edward and Bella were taking a stroll through a park, bella trips on a rock, whines about it, and then Edward makes a hammy speech about how it's his fault she tripped and he has to leave her forever.

Same stuff in each movie. The movie is a two hour long drama for anybody willing sit through a boring romance with shark boy losing his shirt all the time. The only thing that I found remotely watchable was the fight scene near the end.

You find out that punching a vampire in the face makes them break like glass and that was somewhat interesting. (Gone are the days when a wooden stake though the heart does the trick.) If you're a teenage girl, then this movie is basically the movie you can't miss.

But if you want something a little more well written, well acted and well directed, then stay away from all Twilight movies. You're better off watching a movie where Bella doesn't have a panic attack every time Edward leaves her sight.