Review of The Transformers: The Movie (1986) by Travis J — 24 Jan 2009

First off, I am so loving the recent influx of 1980's-era feture length cartoon movies infesting youtube these days... nostalgia, boy howdy! However, regarding the movie, hrmm, I don't know, it's kind of polarizing. I mean, on the one hand, I'd ALMOST go as far as to declare it a nice piece of standalone science-fiction. But on the other hand, I think it kind of suffers from its association with the children's television series, and while I really feel that the movie does do its best to break away from your typical Saturday morning cliche's (namely the red laser and blue laser are LETHAL and not just a show of go-nowhere cinematic battles for the ritalin kids...), the heartstrings are still there - I mean, apparently the notion that Optimus Prime dies within the first 20 minutes of the film didn't go over so well, etc. However, in spite of the added "realism," let's face it, just about every notion of this film is steeped in cliche and then some - I mean, hrmm... planet devouring inter-stelar force that has to be defeated by a ragtag group of misfits while the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance... yeah, let's just hope that Jack Kirby got a royalty check. Oh, and the soundtrack... horrible! I mean, I'd understand if they were trying to go for a kiddy-age Heavy Metal, but considering that there's only one female in the entire movie (a conservatively-"dressed" powderpuff pink gocart...) and only one swear word inserted for that nice twinge of "badass" effect reminiscent of a poorly scripted episode of NYPD:Blue, yeah, not so much. Not to mention that one of the few non-generic buttrock songs in the soundtrack is... (drumroll please) Weird Al Yankovik's "Dare to be Stupid," played in the background as our robotic heroes have a dance party with a planet of robotic dumpster divers, who all seem to be voiced by Eric Idle.

HOWEVER, if given the choice between seeing this and later being castrated with a broken gin bottle dipped in a medical specimen of antibiotic-resistant Staph Bacteria or seeing the horrible dribble of filth directed by Michael Bay and subjected on throes of nostalgic twenty-somethings with complexes about the 1980's in the midst of the Bush regime's cinematic propaganda onslaught... well, shit, make sure it's Bombay.

God I fucking hate Michael Bay... And not just because Trey Parker tells me to.