Review of The Snowman (2017) by Mcgillotine — 19 Oct 2017

Tomas Alfredson your movie sucks, and you should feel bad having made it. Now I have seen some awful films this year from Hollywood sh*t smears the likes of Tom Cruise's The Mummy to the autobiographical nonsense of All Eyez On Me but there is a whole new level of incompetence within The Snowman. Part of me doesn't want to give this film the pleasure of calling it the worst film yet this year as I don't really want the people from this film to feel as though they achieved something by having made this shotty film.

Acting in this film ranges from downright boring to borderline insanity. Now I have an ongoing theory that Michael Fassbender is playing himself in this film and not Harry Holt and the reason he got roped into this film was either as penance for Assassins's Creed or as a contractual obligation. Now Fassbender looks like crap in this film, half the time he looks like he is falling asleep and the other half of the film he is asleep from hitting the bottle or his pills. Halfway through the film I felt although I should be obligated to call a suicide hotline to make sure that Michael Fassbender is okay as the way that he moves around on screen screams 'I want it to end'. Val Kilmer also gives an unintentionally hilarious performance as a character whose name I cannot remember like 95% of the characters in this film. Nevertheless Val Kilmer I suppose preforms in this film, mabye? as a character who can barely utter a word as his teeth seem fused shut, drinks vodka out of a plastic drink bottle, and channels Billy Madison if he suffered a stroke and was clinicly depressed. It is honestly not worth mentioning any of the other performances in this film as surprisingly they only get worse. The plot of this film is so truely special so much so it deserves it's own category, it is not quite special needs and yet is still far beyond a vegetative state. Bad acting, pacing, editing, soundtrack, and direction aside the plot of this film makes no conceivable sense and is just plain lazy, it is almost like they had part of an idea for the first and last 5 minutes of the film and then sat down and said 'f*ck it, we'll wing the rest'. For a film that is a crime thriller, there is very little going on, there is no collection of evidence or any sense of the case progressing, and for half the movie we're left following J.K. Simmons character who has no connection the killer and nothing to do with the plot in the slightest. In summing up this movie has left me violently ill and I hope Tomas Alfredson reads this review to know that I am forwarding him the bill for my movie ticket, pain and suffering and ongoing psychiatric help. If you are mentally ill do not watch this movie, if you are not mentally ill do not watch this movie. I did not wish this film on the four other people who saw this film in a virtually empty theater and I do not wish this film on my worst enemy, In fact I personally advice not to watch this film at all.