Review of The Shallows (2016) by Mark S — 08 Sep 2016

I was really looking forward to this movie. I was wrong. Horribly, sadly and completely WRONG. This movie sucks so hard I'd rather never watch another movie again for the rest of my life than see a movie like this again.

A dull script with a shallow story; Utterly boring and completely unconvincing with really poor special effects. The ending devolves into Sharknado territories of stupidity. There is literally 15 minutes of movie here. Do you like watching idiots take selfies and record their oh-so-deep poor pity me moments on a Go Pro while they bleed to death? Well then this is the movie for you!

Let me tell you the entire plot. Ready?

Girl goes to Mexico to 'find herself' after mom dies. She goes surfing. She sees a dead whale in the water. A shark grabs her off her surf board and bites her leg. She swims to the dead whale. She climbs on the whale. She Jumps off the whale and swims to a rock. She bandages herself. She gets cold. She yells a little. A drunk guy on the beach gets eaten when she calls him into the water. Two surfers she met the day before get eaten when they arrive the next day. She records her 'last message to her family' before she swims to a buoy. The shark attacks the buoy. She shoots it with flares. She jumps off the buoy, a metal chain pulls her to the bottom, the shark chases her and impales itself on the bottom. A local finds her on the beach the next morning.

So to summarize. Surfing, shark attack, jump on whale, swim to a rock, swim to buoy, kill shark. Done. Yeah with selfies all along the way. My 13yr old said that it was the stupidest movie he'd ever seen right next to X:Men Apocalypse. That just about sums it up.

77% when I wrote this?! LOL! Yeah right - This score will be coming down hard.