Review of The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973) by Justin H — 06 Aug 2009

I think I've come to the realization that the Hammer production studio of the '70s plays a large role in my overall dislike of vampires. Why? Because they routinely took what were supposed to be fearsome, dark creatures with powers "beyond imagination" (as this particular film is fond of reminding us--seriously, you could almost make a drinking game out of how many times someone says that something is "beyond imagination/comprehension/etc." ), and then introduces a startling variety of quite simple ways to render them completely helpless. I mean really, holding two sticks together? Turning on the -sprinkler system-? REALLY? Of specific disappointment is Dracula himself--he comes across as not the least bit menacing, and in all honesty seems more inept and slow than anything. And ye gods is he ever slow! He felt like more of an early James Bond villain than a terrifying creature of the night, with his combination of monologues and general ineptitude.

I know, you're probably asking yourself: "But if he doesn't like vampires, why did he watch a vampire movie to begin with?" Well, quite frankly, it's because I'd been told this one was good. And truth be told, it did have its good points: the story of Dracula growing weary of his existence and wanting to wipe out the entire human race with a plague was actually quite compelling. On paper. But it was executed in such a way that by the end, I was left with the feeling that -I- could probably take on Dracula. And in a film about an ancient, bloodthirsty, undead monster, that isn't a good thing.