Review of The Road to Hong Kong (1962) by J A — 08 Jan 2005

[i]The African Queen[/i] (1951).

Great fun. Kate always worked best when she was paired with a worthy adversary (Spence, Cary Grant...) and Bogie turned in some of his very best work when directed by John Huston. Together, the three of them created one hell of a great movie. I just wish it had a stronger ending. [Spoiler: [color=white]The [i]Louisa[/i] just happens to drift into the tricked out [i]Queen[/i]? Come on![/color][color=black]] [/color]I've read that it's finally being readied for DVD release, which is great because the color of the print I taped is really washed out, thus negating the effect of filming the story in Africa. If you can find it, Kate's [i]The Making of the African Queen[/i] memoir makes for some quick, enjoyable and enlightening reading.

[i]The Road to Hong King[/i] (1962).

The last of the Crosby/Hope [i]Road[/i] pictures that began in 1940 with [i]Road to Singapore[/i], but the first in the series I've seen. Very silly and kind of stupid but Crosby and Hope were a funny pair with great chemistry. They spend the movie fighting over Joan Collins and the three of them end up living on another planet. You made want to read that last line again. But with cameos from Dorothy Lamour, Frank & Deano, Niv and Peter Sellars, what's not to love? Incidentally, the [i]Road to...[/i] series was the inspiration for the brilliant [i]Family Guy[/i] episode, "Road to Rhode Island," starring Stewie and Brian.

[i]Marie Antoinette[/i] (1938).

Norma Shearer as the Austrian-born Queen of France. I approached this film with a little trepidation as it's an MGM all-star historical epic and those can be pretty tedious. Luckily, this one was scripted by [i]The Philadelphia Story[/i]'s Donald Ogden Stewart and directed by W.S. Van Dyke II (the first 4 [i]Thin Man[/i] films, among many, many others), who was nicknamed "One-Take Woody" for the speed which which he shot his pictures. Fortnuately, this pace carried over into the editing process and even at 150 minutes, [i]Marie[/i] never feels long. I still have no grasp of world history, but I'm guessing they fudged history a little as Shearer was still the reigning the Queen of MGM when this was made and [i]Marie[/i] makes Marie utterly impugnable in the injustices of th French, never even uttering that bit about the cake. MMMmmmm......cake.... But Sheare is pure fire and music throughout. Because of the production code, the beheading of her confidant, but the look of pure horror and terror and grief and anguish and fear on her face tells us everything we need to know.

[i]Alice in Wonderland[/i] (1985).

Turnabout is fair play. After exposing me to [i]Silent Night, Deadly Night 3[/i] and [i]Class of 1984[/i], I invited Paul over for this reprehensible two-part mini-series of Lewis Carroll's classic made for CBS. I taped it sometime in the 80s and considered it lost until I discvoered the tape in my parents' basement (Rodolfo never throws out anything and even Mummy knows better than to touch Rodolfo's stuff.) I thougt we were in for some campy fun, but I was so very very very very rong. And Rodolfo never admits that he's rong. He can't even spell the word. The movie as a whole is no more than a living photograph of the books. I believe every scene and every character are included, though it's been some time since I read the novels, but they're just sort of there. One episode after another with only the vaguest attempt at a through-line plot.

This would have been fine enough as a way to get kids interested in the novel, I suppose, but as the network of [i]CSI: Poughkeepsie[/i], CBS simply doesn't know how to leave well-enough alone. So they got Pulitzer Prize winning playwright ([i]The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds[/i]) Paul Zindel to adapt the script. Well, that's not such a bad idea, except that he scripted the awful adaptaion ofthe flop [i]Mame[/i], a story that had already succeeded as a play, a movie (both called [i]Auntie Mame[/i]) and a Broadway musical.

And then they added songs by Steve Allen, which isn't necessarily a bad idea either as Steve Allen could do just about anything. Apparently though, they forgot to specify that Allen write good songs when they drew up his contract and he provided them with crap. The Msterpiece Edition of Disney's [i]Alice[/i] contains some demo recordings of songs that were written for their film but not used. I can honestly say without hyperbole that every single one of them is a billion times better than even the best of Allen's lot.

Well, who could possibly direct this austentatious production? How about Harry Harris! From episdoes of [i]MacGyver[/i]! And [i]Falcon Crest[/i]! And [i]A Day for Thanks on Walton Mountain[/i]! Fine. A terrific idea! Now we need a producer. A real showman with the experience to create a picture of epic proportions. Can we get the guy who did [i]The Poseidon Adventure[/i] and [i]The Towering Inferno[/i]? And Irwin Allen was got.

And Irwin's presence is presumably how [i]Alice's,[/i] um, extraordinary casting came about. This isn't the first all-star [i]Alice[/i], MGM did that in 1933. And it wasn't the last, NBC filmed the story in 1999 and I'm sure that there will be more in the future. But CBS certainly did its part to crank out the stars, with a cast including the following: Shelley Winters, Karl Malden, Ernest Borgnine, Jonathan Winters, Ann Jillian, Sally Struthers, Lloyd Bridges, Beau Bridges, Scott Baio, John Stamos, Donald O'Connor, Steve Lawrence & Edyie Gorme, Telly Savalas, Steve Allen, Pat Morita, Patrick Duffy, Merv Griffin, Sid Caesar, Imogene Coca, Martha Raye, Harvey Korman, Anthony Newley, Arte Johnson, Roddy McDowell, Red Buttons, Donna Mills, Jayne Meadows and the only reason I had for watching it in the first place: Carol Channing. And those are just the stars I can remember off the top of my head. IMDB reminds me of the presence of Sammy Davis, Jr., Sherman Hemsley, Ringo Starr, Jack Warden and the director of [i]Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives[/i], that's right, Mr. Tom McLoughlin as the Jabberwocky. In a rubber suit.

Where the hell was Charo?

Now I'm sure you're thinking that Rodolfo was in camp heaven. That's what Rodolfo was anticipating, as well. But this was a film too painful to be considerd camp. No one wants to see Steve and Edyie as Dee and Dum singing about the Walrus and the Carpenter, especially when Karl Malden plays the Walrus [insert [i]On the Waterfront[/i] joke here]. No one wants to hear Sherman Hemsley sing. Trust me. The only good thing was La Channing's performance as the White Queen. But I'm a major Diva Queen who thinks Channing is perhaps the funniest woman to have ever walked the face of the earth.

And the costumes! The people costumes are actually well-done, in the manner of Tenniel's original illustrations. Except Alice who, for some reason wears orange. And a surprising amount of blush (also orange) for an eight-year-old, but I digress. The animal characters, though...remember [i]Zoobilee Zoo[/i]? Imagine Emma Caulfield as Anya in her bunny costume from "Fear Itself" from season 4. Now make the bunny suit white. Now paint Emma's face white. Now replace Emma with Red Buttons and you have yourself a White Rabbit. Now picture Shelley Winters with a beak and feath...no. Don't imagine that.

I know you're saying to yourselves that anything that bad must be entertaining on some level. You're wrong. Wrong!!! Do not seek this movie out. I never would have gotten through it by myself. I needed the help of my good friends Paul and rum and Diet Coke With Lime. Incidentally, Alice was played by Natalie Gregory. Go to IMDB and look her up yourself.

Now if anyone can guess what these four films have in common, you get a warm feeling of self-satisfaction.

Finished guessing? I'll spoiler-proof it just in case:

[[color=white]Robert Morley was in all four pictures. He plays the missionary in [i]The African Queen[/i] and even though he dies at the beginning of the picture, he took the role just for the opportunity to play Kate's brother. In [i]Road to Hong Kong[/i] he's the head of some villainous thing that sends Bing and Bob into space. He made his film debut as Louis XVI in [i]Marie Antointte.[/i] And he was actually a very droll King of Hearts in [i]Alice[/i], one of the few actors who bothered to add a little character to his character. I didn't intend to watch a Morley festival, it just sorta happened that way. And he was good. [/color]].