Review of The Princess Diaries (2001) by Filius S — 14 Dec 2015

The Princess Diaries is a movie about a total babe with scruffy hair, glasses and paint covered overalls but who everyone thinks is a dork, that goes to high school, can't get a boyfriend and everyone hates because she's not attractive enough. I bet you know exactly where this movie is going...

That's right, Anne Hathaway, our ugly star, takes it upon herself to change her course in life. She learns how to apply makeup to accentuate her features. She learns little tricks about posture and self confidence so that she can give off the appearance of being a woman that is comfortable with herself. She also learns how to style her hair so she doesn't look like someone who doesn't give a shit at all. And most importantly of all, she finds a passion in her life that makes her friends who share the same pursuits and interests, allowing her to both expand her social circle at the same time as learning valuable life skills for her future.

Oh no, wait... that was no movie ever, and especially not this one. No, in The Princess Diaries, our totally not attractive star finds out she's actually a Princess! And best of all, they're going to make her look like a princess, and act like a princess, and she'll never have to work, and she can eat pies and get fucked by a line of prince charmings one of which will deliver her an heir. Suck on that Christy, you stupid bitch, summer in the Hamptons ain't shit to me!

So, to make this all "plausible", they created a country called Genovia in Europe, which is like a less-cool version of Genosha from the X-Men series. Also, to make this story... more plausible, they make the main character a clumsy oaf. So this fucking dipshit can't do her makeup, acts like a nerd, has horrible posture, can't make friends, and to top it all off she's uncoordinated as shit and fails to do things that require basic motor skills. You know what, this story is plausible... Anne Hathaway plays someone who has mental retardation because of generations of inbreeding.

Plot aside, this movie is completely by the numbers in regards to everything else. The film follows the IATSE handbook for making a film, and it shows, because this film has absolutely no personality. There isn't a memorable shot. The lighting is flat and soft to conceal any possible shadows. The music is your typical swelling orchestra bullshit, peppered with the now outdated pop songs of the year 2001 (Backstreet Boys, Hanson, Aaron Carter and Mandy Moore among others).

TL;DR - 2/10.

"Hey, don't be so hard on the movie, it's just a dumb fantasy for little girls!" No, asshole, that's not how film reviews work. Snow White is also a fantasy for little girls, but it's actually a good film. The Princess Bride, Princess Kaguya, Star Wars, The Black Cauldron, The Thief of Bagdad... there's a bunch of movies with princesses in them that don't boil down the equation to: You're a failure now, but don't worry, one day you'll find out your a princess and then everyone can suck your dick! Not only is this attitude disingenuous, but I'd argue that it's actually dangerous and leads people to have insane expectations in life. Then to top it all off this film has little to no artistic merit, leaving you with a stale overused story that mirrors their approach to storytelling with their equally bland visual elements.