Review of The Polar Express (2004) by Ryan V — 17 Dec 2013

This is one of the sorriest excuses for a Christmas film I've ever seen. It tries so hard to be that timeless Christmas classic that everyone wants to come back to but it doesn't come anywhere near that.

The story is beyond contrived and very predictable. Poorly witten and generic characters with one character trait and don't have any development besides the obvious evolution for the main character.

Too many cliches to even talk about, it's ridiculous. The visuals are awful, I know it came out in 2004 but even back then when I saw it as a kid I thought it looked horrible. The 3D action scenes were beyond over the top and it was annoying because the film seemed more concerned with thrilling adrenaline junkies as opposed to making whimsical atmosphere.

Every second there's a slide sequence or a chase sequence or something to just jump in your face. Even with the slight moments of peacefulness and attempted whimsy are strangely off putting, there's a scene where the main characters have to sing to Santa and it sounds like a song before a satanic ritual.

There's also some things that downright pisses me off, there's a kid who says he doesn't believe in Christmas but he's like 7! What's his problem, yes you could argue because we are shown that he lives in a rubbish home that his Christmas' are very bad but we're never allowed to learn anything about him or see him be anything other then a cardboard cutout because the film is more concerned with over blown action as to developing a character.

There's a scene that tries, somewhat, to make you feel something for this character but it just becomes an awful song number. Besides that, he says he doesn't believe in Christmas but gladly accepts presents.

WAS ANYBODY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SCRIPT? Tom Hanks, god bless him, he tries in every film he's ever been in, he gives 110% but even that can't save his character, or should I say one of them, The Conductor, which is his main role, who starts out likeable enough but very quickly just becomes very exaggerated, cruel and over the top and I thought there might be a reason for this, like he was trying to make the main character understand certain lessons of life or something, nope, never explained, he's just a crazy fool.

This story could have been interesting, in the opening minutes it has a very mystical, welcoming vibe of adventure and whimsy and a mysterious vibe of the unknown and exploration but that's pretty much over as soon as it's begun, most of the script is filler where literally nothing happen because they had no idea what to do with these characters and this storyline.

If I have to find a positive I will say that the theme song of the movie was a nice enough song, it still sounded really forced and overly whimsical but it was okay and even though the visuals in this film were horrible I will say the lighting was very nice.

I saw this movie as a kid and hated it and I could have very easily done a review but I wanted to give it another chance and write about it while it was still fresh in my memory but all this film left me with was a headache and wasted time.

Ba-humbug I say. Say what you will about me having lost the jingle in my bell but I'd rather not have that than have to see this movie again.